Asexuality, Dating, and Partner Search at Consonance (Gleichklang)
Asexual Partner Search?
Yes, the majority of asexual individuals also have a need for partnership, and many are actively engaged in the asexual partner search. Only a relatively small proportion of asexual people are aromantic, meaning they do not desire a romantic relationship. Conversely, there are aromantic individuals who are not asexual.
Because many asexual individuals desire a romantic relationship, we at Consonance have been offering an asexual search option since 2008 for building asexual or platonic relationships. With our matchmaking service, we want to support those who traditionally have a harder time with finding a partner. This concerns not only but also asexuality and asexual individuals.
Diversity and inclusion are the heart of online dating at Consonance, with which we support people of all sexual orientations, genders, and gender identities, relationship models, and life situations in their search for a partner and friends. This includes equally a heterosexual partner search as well as a queer partner search. And this also includes asexuals, who typically have a harder time finding a partner and to whom we offer an effective way to find a partner.
As a matchmaking service, we support our asexual members with our best efforts and capabilities to find people with whom they can build a stable romantic relationship or a fulfilling friendship:
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What Is Asexuality, Actually?
- Asexuality is a natural – namely very low – level of intensity of the sexual need system. Asexual individuals feel no need for sexuality with another person. They experience no sexual attraction and they have no sexual interest in sexual interaction. However, it does not follow from this that they do not desire a partnership. On the contrary, many asexuals are involuntary singles.
- There are always intermediate stages that are not 100% identical to a prototype. In the case of asexuality, this is referred to as gray-asexual (gray-asexuality). Gray-asexual individuals experience a very low or temporary need for sexual interaction but still see themselves overall as significantly closer to asexuals than to sexuals.
- A third term is demisexuality. Demisexuals are individuals who do experience sexual attraction and the desire for sexual interaction, but exclusively when they know a person very well and are connected to them in love. Sexual attraction thus only arises when a love relationship already exists.
- Basically, one must assume an asexual spectrum, in which the type and strength of sexual interaction needs differ, but all share at least a considerably reduced to absent need for sexual interaction. Here, the term autosexuality must also be differentiated, which describes sexuality directed toward oneself, which can occur simultaneously with asexuality, which refers to the interest in interaction with others. The Sexual Configuration Theory of psychologist, neuroscientist, sexologist, and gender researcher Sari van Anders integrates these diverse and complex ways of experiencing sexuality into a unified theory that makes the diversity of sexual experience clear. An introduction to this modern theory of sexuality is provided by this video by our co-founder and psychologist Dr. Guido F. Gebauer.
Asexual and Love
Society is heavily oriented toward sexuality. On dating apps, dating sites, online matchmaking services, and on all dating platforms in general, sexuals dominate strongly. Asexuals have great difficulty here in realizing their needs for romance, love, partnership, and social networking.
Being asexual today therefore still too often means being lonely, because suitable partners are not easy to find and, moreover, society shows too little understanding for the concerns of asexuals.
In fact, many asexuals have the same need for security and partnership connection as everyone else. The asexual or platonic form of partnership is a possible and suitable form of an asexual lifestyle for these individuals.
- There are also asexuals who do not desire a romantic relationship. These are also referred to as aromantics. Aromantic individuals experience no romantic attraction. This means they do not experience intense feelings of love and therefore do not wish to live in a love relationship. Accordingly, matchmaking is not suitable for aromantics. However, aromantic individuals can search at Consonance for friends, projects and communities, shared leisure activities, Consonance groups and regulars’ tables, as well as professional collaborations. Some aromantic individuals are asexual, while others experience sexual attraction and sexual desire and are therefore not asexual. At Consonance, it is possible for non-asexual aromantics to search for friendships that include sexuality, which is a suitable search option for aromantic individuals with sexual interests.
Asexuality – also aromanticism – i.e., no clear-cut yes/no categories. This is taken into account by the term “gray-asexuality,” which refers to individuals who usually have no interest in sexual interaction or whose sexual interest is so low that it plays practically no role in their daily lives. Nevertheless, gray-asexuals can, under certain circumstances, feel sexually attracted to other people and experience an interest in sexual interaction with others. These differentiations are classified by the already introduced term spectrum of asexuality.
Demisexuality is sometimes also classified within the spectrum of asexuality. Unlike asexuals, demisexuals experience sexual attraction and the desire for sexual interaction. However, as explained, this sexual attraction occurs exclusively toward a person with whom they are closely romantically connected. Thus, at the beginning of a relationship development, demisexuals do not yet experience sexual attraction or a desire for sex; rather, a desire for sex only arises once a love relationship has already developed.
Who Is Not Asexual?
To understand asexuality and to recognize whether one’s own or another person is asexual, it is also important to understand which characteristics do not indicate asexuality but may sometimes be confused with it. Here, therefore, is a list of particularities that differ from asexuality:
- Asexuality differs from so-called “Absolute Beginners”. Asexual simply means having no interest in sexuality. Absolute Beginners, in contrast, are individuals who have never had any relationship experience but involuntarily. Asexuals can be Absolute Beginners, and Absolute Beginners can be asexual. However, a survey we conducted showed that this is not the case for the majority. What many asexuals and Absolute Beginners share, however, is the experience of loneliness. This is where Consonance steps in with its psychologically based matchmaking service. Because asexuals do not need to be lonely – happy romantic and friendly relationships are possible.
- Asexuality must also be distinguished from a voluntary celibacy (e.g., Catholic priests) or other forms of voluntary or involuntary abstinence. There is a certain group of men who are not asexual but do not see themselves capable of engaging in sexual and romantic relationships with women, even though they desire them. Some of these individuals react with misogynistic, misogynist attitudes and see themselves in the victim role. These are referred to as Incels, who in rare cases can even act out their frustration violently. This phenomenon has nothing to do with asexual experience, and those affected are advised to engage in self-reflection and to step out of the victim role, for which psychotherapy can be helpful.
- Asexuality must also not be confused with various mental or sexual disorders or illnesses: Asexuality is neither a mental disorder nor a sexual dysfunction, but simply an absence of attraction and an absence of desire for sexual interaction. Although asexuals can of course also suffer from mental disorders, such as depression or anxiety disorders, their asexuality is not a symptom of these disorders. The loss of sexual desire in old age or during the course of depression is not asexuality. Rather, this is a disorder that can often be treated medically or psychotherapeutically depending on the cause. Sexual attraction and desire were previously present, and their loss is experienced as distressing by those affected. In asexuals, by contrast, sexual attraction or the desire for sexual interaction was usually never present, or their loss is not experienced as distressing but is classified as permanent asexuality. Asexuality also differs from sexual aversion disorder. Those affected experience sexual attraction but are prevented from acting on it by a sexual aversion, such as disgust. Asexuals may experience disgust toward sex, but the crucial difference is that they also lack the sexual attraction, the sexual desire, and the wish for sexual interaction. Asexuality also has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction, orgasmic disorders, or pain during sexuality (e.g., vaginismus). Individuals with erectile dysfunction, orgasmic disorders, or pain during sexuality may lose interest in sexuality, but not because there is no sexual attraction and no sexual desire, but because they suffer from sexual impairments. This has nothing to do with asexuality. Finally, asexuality is also affected by self-doubt or social phobias. Insecure individuals or people with social phobia may avoid sex because they do not dare to approach others and express their desire for sexuality. Asexual individuals, in contrast, do not want sex and experience no sexual attraction. Although asexuals can also be insecure or suffer from social phobia, this is not the reason they do not want sexual interaction.
- Some believe that autistics are asexual. But this is completely false. Most autistics have sexual needs and, by the way, most also desire a romantic relationship. But of course, there are also asexual autistics. At Consonance, we also have a special option for online partner search for autistics.
Am I Asexual?
With the help of this self-test “Am I Asexual?,” you can find out whether you are asexual. You can also learn more about the complexity and structure of your sexual experience with the help of the Sexual Experience Test. On the portal Consonance Studies, you will also find a number of other psychological self-tests that can help you learn more about your personality and your relationship experience. One of the most popular tests on our portal is the “Highly Sensitive Person Test (HSP Test)”.
Matchmaking for Asexuals at Consonance (Gleichklang)
Consonance’s online dating supports asexual singles in their partner search. Dating for asexuals is possible and associated with good prospects for success. In addition to the partner search, we support all asexuals – and of course also aromantics – in their search for friends.
The background to our online dating for asexuals is our emancipatory basic concept, which is based on acceptance of different sexual orientations and lifestyles. In this respect, Consonance has a unique selling point in the area of online dating compared to most dating apps, matchmaking services, dating sites, or singles sites in the German-speaking internet.
Consonance offers its asexual members threefold support for their dating and social networking:
- Online Dating – Matchmaking and Partner Search: We ask our members whether they are asexual. Likewise, we ask all our members whether they are seeking a partnership with or without sexuality. Members can also affirm both options. In this case, they can imagine a relationship with sexuality as well as a relationship without sexuality. Furthermore, it is possible to restrict the partner search to those individuals who are exclusively seeking a relationship without sexuality. With the help of these queries, we can effectively support asexuals in finding relationship partners. Some asexuals build relationships with non-asexuals who, however, are happy to live a relationship without sexuality. Other asexuals value sharing their asexuality with their relationship partners. Our evaluations of success rates show that our asexual members have excellent prospects for making their partner search a success. However, particularly asexual members who are exclusively searching for asexual relationship partners must expect a longer search time. In addition, in this case, we recommend setting the geographical distance very generously in the search so that a suitable person can also be found and suggested. Asexuality is a rare characteristic that occurs in about 1% of our members. This results in a strong reduction in the number of suggestions for an asexual search. Fortunately, however, this strong reduction in the number of suggestions does not reduce the chances of success, because in partner search it is exclusively about the fact that one day a suitable person will come along and be suggested. This case typically also occurs with our asexual members if they bring the necessary patience to their online partner search. For individuals seeking a partner from the asexuality spectrum (gray-asexual or demisexual), different search recommendations apply, by the way. For gray-asexuals, we recommend indicating the importance of sexuality as very low and including in their search individuals who can also imagine an asexual-platonic relationship. For demisexuals, we recommend indicating that the speed of the onset of sexuality should be low. This way, you can ensure that a romantic love relationship already exists that will awaken your sexual attraction to your relationship partners.
- Friendship Search – Networking for Asexuals and Aromantics: With the friendship search, Consonance enables all its asexual members to search for a deeper form of relationship without sexuality. Asexuals suffer particularly often from loneliness, and many also feel insufficiently understood in their social environment. Consonance includes the option for a friendship search, in which any form of sexuality can also be explicitly excluded. For asexuals, the friendship search is a real opportunity to network socially and thereby overcome possible loneliness. Asexuals can meet people at Consonance who understand and are in a similar life situation. Through the contact lists, it is also possible to search for projects, communities, shared leisure activities, Consonance groups or regulars’ tables, as well as professional collaborations. Asexuals can also bring their own projects for asexuals to life on Consonance’s project list. Aromantics can also benefit from the friendship search at Consonance, whereby they can also search for friendships with sexuality, provided they are not asexual. This is a good opportunity for aromantic individuals to experience sex outside a relationship and still in an appreciative social contact.
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