Online Dating for Autistic Individuals at Consonance (Gleichklang)

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Online Dating and Social Networking in Autism Spectrum and Asperger Autism

Psychological studies show that many autistic individuals desire a partnership and are also capable of maintaining a long-term relationship. However, some dating structures, such as speed dating, make the online dating for Autistic individuals more difficult for autistic individuals.

Dating apps and dating sites also make it difficult for autistic individuals to narrow down the range of potential partners and to identify exactly those who would be suitable as relationship partners.

In contrast, computer-mediated communication through an online matchmaking service is particularly suitable for autistic individuals to make their partner search successful.

At Consonance (Gleichklang), we have further developed this structure to enable particularly effective dating for autistic individuals.

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Dating for Autistic Individuals at Consonance (Gleichklang)

At Consonance, we support people with autism and Asperger syndrome through a special form of matchmaking:

We ask about the autism status of all our members (autism spectrum, which also includes people who identify as Asperger).
Additionally, we ask each member whether they are willing and interested in a relationship with autistic individuals.
This lowers the threshold for effective contact initiation and reduces frustrations, rejection, irritation, and disappointment.
Through improved preselection, people with and without autism come together who can build a communicative and partnership-based foundation together.

We introduced this option for autistic individuals at the explicit request and suggestion of our autistic members. The option has been well received and positively evaluated by our autistic members so far.

Since the option was only introduced a few months ago, we will be able to conduct a thorough evaluation of the success rates of matchmaking for autistic individuals in one to two years. We will report on this in our Psychology Blog.

We also remain in dialogue with our autistic members to enable further improvement of their partner search to the extent of our capabilities. We have already received positive feedback about our new dating for autistic individuals from a number of autistic members.

A Note on Terminology

Today, according to international classification systems, we speak of a spectrum of autism; accordingly, autism is referred to as autism spectrum disorder. However, in additional codes, Asperger can still be named as a subtype according to the new guidelines, only it is embedded within the autism spectrum. We know that some autistic individuals retain the term Asperger, and the term high-functioning autism may also be viewed critically. Conversely, however, there are still many autistic individuals among our members and elsewhere who identify as Asperger. The term high-functioning autistic individuals is also used by many autistics. We leave the terminology to those affected and use all terms in our texts that they use.

Background: Autistic Individuals, Partnership, and Partner Search

Autistic individuals (autism spectrum, which also includes Asperger and “high-functioning” autism) often develop the desire for partnership, romance, love, and sexuality just like most other people.
For people with autism, the search for romantic relationships, relationship discovery, relationship building, and relationship maintenance are more difficult due to their particularities in social and emotional perception, spontaneity, communication, and social interaction.
These particularities are met with a lack of understanding by some people. For autistic individuals, however, it is important that the people in their social environment understand them and engage with them, which of course applies even more to intimate, sexual, and romantic contacts.

But what about the relationship capability of autistic individuals and what can online matchmaking services do to support the partner search of autistic individuals?

There are now several studies and scientific considerations on this:

Cyrena Johnson (2018) summarizes in her proposal for a dating app for autistic individuals that 41% of young autistic adults had never been in a partnership that lasted longer than two months. Conversely, this means that 59% of autistic individuals had already had such a relationship—clear evidence that romantic relationships are possible and important for autistic individuals. Johnson further states that 44% of autistic adults who used dating sites had already had a long-term relationship that lasted an average of 2.65 years. This is impressive and gives every reason for optimism, especially since these were young adults and autistic individuals generally start dating later overall. Finally, Johnson demonstrates that a number of dating schemas and structures, such as speed dating, disadvantage autistic individuals.
Burke et al. (2019) come to the conclusion in their interview study with individuals they describe as “high-functioning” autistic that many autistic individuals strive for more social connections and specifically use the possibilities of computer-based communication for this purpose. The authors argue that computer-mediated communication accommodates autistic individuals by reducing interfering contextual information that is difficult for autistic individuals to understand, which is constantly present outside of computer-based communication to a high degree.
Gavin et al. (2019) found that the profiles of people with autism, including Asperger, are perceived as equally attractive, trustworthy, and desirable for a date in online dating as the dating profiles of non-autistic individuals. However, autistic profiles that strongly mixed autistic traits and interests with typical interests were rated as less interesting for a date. This may have created a confusing and contradictory impression for readers of the profiles. Furthermore, the authors were able to show that positive descriptions of autism traits, as well as the explicit presentation of the autism diagnosis, have a favorable effect and increase perceived attractiveness and perceived trustworthiness. The authors therefore recommend that autistic individuals consistently present their profile with their traits, explicitly mention their autism, and use positive wording when describing their personality traits and interests.
Bronan and Gavin (2021) examined the effects of stigmatizing attitudes toward autism on the willingness of heterosexual women to meet an autistic person in online dating. Again, they found that positive descriptions of autistic traits and an explicitly reported autism diagnosis led to higher perceptions of attractiveness. Most importantly, however, they found that people who stigmatize autistic individuals lost interest in a meeting when an explicit autism diagnosis was given, while those who do not stigmatize autistics developed greater interest in meeting the person when an autism diagnosis was presented.
Barros (2021) argues, in a heavily theoretical article, that computer-based technology and online dating have increased opportunities for people with autism spectrum disorders to find romantic relationships and have children. Barros argues that online dating technology provides opportunities for autistic individuals that are particularly suitable for them and that they do not lack the skills to use them effectively.

From these and other findings, the encouraging message can be derived that autistic individuals can find and maintain partnerships and that online dating is a particularly suitable path for autistic individuals. The recommendation is to be open about one’s own autism and to mention it in the profile, as well as to describe one’s own (autistic) traits with positive wording.

However, it also becomes clear that not every dating website meets the requirements of autistic individuals, highlights their strengths, and compensates for their deficits. In particular, typical dating apps are likely to overwhelm autistic individuals, as there is no preselection whatsoever. This significantly complicates finding a person who is suitable for a partnership given the autism that exists.

Overall, however, it can be said that online dating, through computer-mediated communication, frees autistic individuals from contexts that are difficult for them to understand and to which they often cannot respond immediately and appropriately. This removal of distracting or misleading contexts in online dating lowers the threshold for getting to know each other and reduces confusion and ambiguity.

Through online dating, such an intense, reflective, and deep contact can develop that the dating partners learn from autistic individuals, understand them, and engage with them. If this succeeds, the transition to the offline level is possible and a relationship can develop.

Autistic individuals can also potentially benefit from matching algorithms in online matchmaking services. This creates a preselection of people with whom they can interact. Without this preselection, it would be difficult for autistic individuals to identify suitable people due to their difficulties in processing social contextual information.

Matchmaking for Autistic Individuals at Consonance (Gleichklang)

At Consonance, we go one step further to support autistic individuals even more strongly in their partner search than is typically the case with online matchmaking services.

For this purpose, Consonance offers a special option in online dating for members with autism and Asperger syndrome. Using this option, we can significantly facilitate the partner search and friend search for our autistic members:

Using the autism option, we support our members with autism (all within the autism spectrum, including those who still identify as Asperger) in our matchmaking to find exactly those people who have understanding and acceptance for their particularities, who in part view these as a resource, and who can deal with them constructively. This increases the chance of positive communication, genuine connection, and positive integration of autistic traits into a loving relationship.
Moreover, our autistic members can engage more openly and less tensely with the partner suggestions offered in their partner search, as they can already assume a basic level of acceptance. This helps them advance their dating journey.
The partner search thus becomes a social practice and learning process for people with autism, providing them with important sexual and romantic relationship experiences and supporting their personality development.
Through matching based on acceptance and appreciation, the risk of harsh rejection is reduced, as is the risk of ending the acquaintance due to misunderstandings related to autism/Asperger.
Thus, daters with autism and Asperger at Consonance have the chance to gradually engage in communication, further train their social-communicative skills, and simultaneously create the basis for a sustainable and appreciative partnership.

In the same way, we support the friend search for our members with autism:

In the friendship area as well, we ask, as with all our members, about the willingness and acceptance of a friendship with a person with autism or Asperger.
In friend matching, we use this acceptance as a foundation and thus contribute to offering a promising preselection for potential friendship development.

Online Dating for Autistic Individuals and Diversity

In addition to the matching option for autistic individuals, autistic individuals naturally also benefit from the overall concept of our psychological matching, which brings together those people in matchmaking and friend matching who can build a sustainable partnership or friendship with each other:

This concerns the comprehensive consideration of various genders and gender identities as well as sexual orientations, which are just as important for autistic individuals as for all other people. Consonance supports matchmaking and friend search for people who identify with one of the binary genders “man” and “woman,” as well as for people who are non-binary, transgender (trans identity), intersex, or who exhibit gender fluidity in the sense of genderqueer. In our matchmaking for autistic individuals as well as for all members, we support the partner search for heterosexual, homosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, skoliosexual, asexual, demisexual, and sapiosexual members, as well as for members who exhibit fluidity in their sexual orientation, such as homoflexible or heteroflexible.
We also care deeply about inclusivity and support for partner seekers and friend seekers with disabilities (physical disabilities, sensory disabilities), handicaps, reliance on a wheelchair, chronic physical illnesses (cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, heart diseases, etc.), other mental health conditions (panic disorder and other anxiety disorders, depression, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, social phobia, psychoses), sexual dysfunctions (erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, orgasm disorder, etc.), or HIV. This also affects singles with ADHD or singles with other neurodivergent or neurodiverse traits. We match here as well according to the principle of acceptance, just as we apply it for our autistic members.

Information About Autism

In psychology and psychiatry, autism is referred to as a developmental disorder characterized by particularities in information and perceptual processing, and especially social information and perceptual processing.

Autistic individuals find it difficult to process social and emotional information and to assign it correctly. Eye contact, body language, non-verbal communication in general, and in severe autism also verbal communication are impaired. The expression of emotions also changes. Accordingly, there are noticeable difficulties in social interaction, including friendships and romantic relationships.

Originally, autism was understood as a severe developmental disorder associated with correspondingly profound abnormalities and often, but not always, accompanied by intellectual disability. This severe autism continues to be diagnosed as early childhood autism.

However, the view of autism as a severe developmental disorder has changed in recent years, with milder and mild forms of autism being increasingly described and classified, which previously would not have been diagnosed as a mental disorder at all.

Thus, the WHO introduced the terms Asperger syndrome and “atypical autism.” The term “high-functioning autism” was also established, describing autistic particularities associated with normal or good intelligence and high psychosocial adaptability.

Today, all these phenomena and particularities are summarized under the spectrum of autism or autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

The traditionally understood severe autism occurs in earliest childhood—by definition before the third year of life. It manifests through severe abnormalities in social interaction and communication, as well as repetitive stereotyped behaviors, although there are many compensatory possibilities.

In contrast to this so-called early childhood autism, other forms of autism, such as what was previously—and by some still—called Asperger syndrome, and other forms within the autism spectrum, are often diagnosed much later, often in adulthood, and frequently not at all. The reason for this is that severe abnormalities are absent and the particularities to be observed cannot always be immediately assigned or are not perceived as having disease value.

The least noticeable abnormalities in the traditional view are described in people with Asperger syndrome, while high-functioning autism shows early behavioral abnormalities like early childhood autism, including delayed language development. However, this delayed language development in high-functioning autism can often be compensated for later, and the differences from Asperger syndrome can blur. Today, within the autism spectrum, the term Asperger is no longer officially used according to ICD-11, but it still plays a role in current research. Likewise, there continue to be a number of autistic individuals who still use the term Asperger for themselves.

Within the autism spectrum, not only difficulties in emotional-social communication are described, but resources can also be observed. This concerns both possible high intelligence and special partial talents, which are referred to as island talents. These are often described in the literature on the traditional Asperger concept.

A well-known person with autism/Asperger syndrome is Greta Thunberg, which once again illustrates the possible resources associated with Asperger syndrome, including sensitivity to our environment and the animal world, and the willingness to engage socially. Greta Thunberg describes herself as having Asperger and sees it as a resource.

Other famous people with autism include Susan Boyle, Courtney Love, Dan Harmon, Dan Aykroyd, Daryl Hannah, Sir Anthony Hopkins, and Andy Warhol.

Despite these clear resources and possibilities for a successful life, people with Asperger syndrome often find it difficult to show sufficient spontaneity in their social interaction behavior, and (milder) impairments in non-verbal communication are also described—as with other forms of autism.

Autism and Partnerships

People with autism, including Asperger syndrome, are typically delayed in developing their interest in romantic relationships. In milder forms of autism and Asperger syndrome, however, the desire for a partnership often appears with a delay.

However, people with autism and Asperger syndrome often experience themselves as blocked or hardly capable of entering into correspondingly intimate contact with people, of finding, building, and maintaining a romantic relationship.

This is also related to the fact that non-verbal and emotional signals can be misunderstood by those affected, which makes appropriate responding—and being understood in turn—more difficult.

The difficulties observed in people with autism in making eye contact and establishing physical closeness with other people also make the partner search more difficult.

Although, for example, people with Asperger syndrome and others on the autism spectrum do not have visible disabilities, social networking, partner search, and the maintenance of sexual-romantic relationships are still more difficult.

Crucially, people with autism and Asperger are capable of entering into friendly, sexual, and romantic relationships. In addition to their own efforts for effective social interaction, the efforts of the other person are equally important—to understand their behavior and experience and not to interpret it, for example, as an expression of disinterest or shyness.

While people with mild autism and Asperger find it difficult to understand social rules and empathize with the behavior of the corresponding non-autistic people (though this also applies in reverse), there is no convincing evidence that they lack emotional empathy and compassion. The example of Greta Thunberg shows how strongly a person with Asperger can experience empathy for a humanity and animal world endangered by environmental destruction.

When other people are willing and able to empathize with a person with autism, including Asperger, to understand and accept them, and also to deal with behavioral particularities (e.g., pronounced routines), stable and happy romantic relationships between autistic and non-autistic people are possible.

Decisive for this is the interest and effort of both sides, as well as mutual acceptance of differences with an ongoing focus on understanding each other and learning from one another. This focus should be established in the very first steps of online dating and should continue to shape the developing relationship from then on.

Anecdotally, a connection between high sensitivity and Asperger syndrome or autism is reported:

Some highly sensitive individuals apparently observe autistic traits in themselves.
Conversely, people with diagnosed autism recognize themselves in the defining criteria of high sensitivity.
Indeed, both share a strong tendency toward quicker sensory overload.

However, scientific studies that would demonstrate a proximity between autism and high sensitivity are currently not available.

In our two high sensitivity tests, “High Sensitivity Test (HSP Test)” and “High Sensitivity Structure Test,” we have for some time also been asking about the presence of an autism diagnosis made by experts (psychologists, psychiatrists). We will evaluate the results and publish them in the Consonance Blog when sufficient data are available.

Conclusion: Autism and Online Dating

Autistic individuals often develop the desire for sexual and romantic relationships. According to available studies, autistic individuals are also capable of maintaining lasting partnerships.

The structure of online dating is a particularly suitable medium for autistic individuals to compensate for deficits and bring resources to bear. Profiles of autistic individuals are evaluated positively when they describe their traits openly but in positive language and also openly name their autism.

Matchmaking services are better suited for autistic individuals than dating apps, dating sites, or other dating websites because they provide a preselection on which they can focus their communication.

At Consonance, we have gone one step further and introduced a special dating option for autistic individuals. With this dating for autistic individuals, we specifically support our autistic members in their partner search and friend search through a specialized autistic dating platform:

We ask all our members whether they have autism. We also ask all members whether they are willing and interested in engaging in building a partnership or friendship with an autistic member.
Thus, autistic members at Consonance can draw on a particularly suitable preselection of people with whom they can explore the possibility of a partnership or friendship.