Slow Dating – A Counter-Model to Modern Dating Systems
Author: Dr. Guido F. Gebauer, Psychologist and Co-Founder of Consonance
Slow Dating refers to a conscious counter‑model to the dating systems that dominate today, which are focused on speed and reward stimuli. To understand why Slow Dating is necessary, it is worth taking a closer look at the speed structures of modern dating offerings.
Speed Dating as the Basic Principle of Modern Dating Systems
If we look closely, almost all modern dating systems and dating apps today are examples of speed dating: fast, many contacts, scrolling, split‑second swiping, sending short messages, and on to the next contact. Always in the hope that an even better profile will appear. Dating has become gamified, and for many, at some point without realizing it, the earlier relationship goal shifts to a dating goal.
The reason is that short‑term reward stimuli of a different kind are triggered in these speed dating systems, which can shift the goals of their users. The result is endless dating and rarely a relationship found. Even when a relationship does occur, many do not stop dating. For some, this can also impair their willingness to commit.
Classic Speed Dating and Its Limited Effectiveness
Well‑known are the speed dating arrangements in which participants get to know a number of people within a short time and can then exchange contact details. Relationships can certainly develop, but studies show that this is only very rarely the case.
Slow Dating at Consonance Since 2006
At Consonance (Gleichklang), we have consistently relied on the opposite since 2006: Slow Dating.
Slow Dating is not about high‑frequency short‑term rewards, and therefore not about entertainment, games, variety, distraction from boredom, a craving for excitement, or addictive structures. Because all of this can only arise when game elements are built into dating. However, we consistently avoid exactly that.
Finding a Partner as a Rare, Singular Event
The philosophy of Slow Dating is that finding a partner is not an event that builds up successively from short‑term rewards and long dating sessions, but a singular, rare event that usually occurs only rarely in our lives and yet for most becomes a reality one day.
Slow Dating is therefore simply about creating the conditions for the moment of finding a partner to occur one day.
The Three Moments of Finding a Partner
This overall moment of finding a partner is divided into three moments:
- the moment when a suitable person comes into our view,
- the moment when we recognize this,
- and the moment when we seize the opportunity to build a relationship.
This is exactly where Slow Dating intervenes and maximizes the chances that these three moments actually occur.
Structures of Modern Dating Offerings
Let us look at the structures of dating apps, but also the structure of any dating site and even mainstream matchmaking services:
- Everything is designed to present users with as many profiles as possible and to get them to quickly move from one to the next.
On dating apps, it starts at a rapid pace. If profiles or matches are not enough, more can be purchased:
- Super‑Likes, profile boosts, click, booking – and off they go.
On a dating site, you can scroll and see everyone in the database. With a matchmaking service, it is actually about finding a relationship. But mainstream matchmaking services online have long adapted to the speed dating character of modern dating apps. The difference is sometimes marginal.
Why Fast Dating Systems Hinder Finding a Partner
What is the danger of these fast dating systems? We do not perceive the two central moments that lead us to finding a partner. We do not recognize when a suitable person comes into our view. There are too many others, and we reduce our selection to photos and other superficial stimuli.
We do not seize the opportunity because we are distracted, we are juggling multiple things at once, we have become too accustomed to the game character, we are afraid of courage, we find it easy to drop out of the game and enter into a real relationship building process.
Result:
- We remain single and keep dating.
Analogy from the Food Industry
A speed trend has long since established itself in what we eat as well. This is referred to as Fast Food. In creating products, food corporations deliberately use exactly the right amount of fat, sugar, and salt so that people eat as much as possible and buy the products again. This is cleverly developed in the laboratory and validated with test subjects.
When it comes to dating, it is no different. This was effectively revealed by the founder of Tinder Jonathan Badeen:
- He did not orient his algorithm on people finding a relationship; rather, his model was experiments on operant conditioning by the American psychologist B. F. Skinner with pigeons. They pecked further and further, endlessly, even when they did not achieve their goal – the food – as a result.
The swipe mechanism on Tinder corresponds exactly to this game. In the mistaken belief that it has something to do with partner search, people start dating. However, they are controlled by completely different forms of reward:
- Attractive profiles, matches, small hits.
These then take control, and the game replaces the original goal.
This video “Deliberate Loneliness – The Scheme of Dating Apps” explains the mechanisms in detail:
How Slow Dating Reduces These Problems
With our Slow Dating, we solve these problems:
- At Consonance, there are only singles who are seriously looking for a relationship and not primarily for fun, entertainment, virtual chat, photo viewing, etc. This reduces interference.
We achieve this through a uniform, moderate, and fair annual fee. This separates the wheat from the chaff. All those who just want to play fall away. Fewer suggestions, longer waiting times – and precisely for that reason, higher chances.
Recognizing Instead of Continuing to Swipe
One day, the right person will come along with whom you can be happy. And now comes the crucial point:
- You have a real chance to recognize them because you do not think that something new will come along in a minute.
Our algorithm also intervenes here: On dating apps, attractive profiles are sent out particularly often as a reward stimulus. There are rankings of the world’s most popular profiles. They are presented to millions of people as potential partners. This distorts perceptions of attractiveness and attraction. We reject people with whom we could be happy.
At Consonance (Gleichklang), attractiveness has no influence on the matching algorithm whatsoever. We match based on alignment of values, life principles, life goals, and relationship models.
Fewer Suggestions, More Relationship Chances
Fewer suggestions, longer waiting times, and suitable people. This is how it is possible to recognize the moment and then also use it to arrive at a relationship.
We see exactly this in our analyses: Most members of Consonance find a relationship when they engage with Slow Dating and stick with it.
Speed Dating, Exhaustion, and Dating Burnout
At first glance, Slow Dating is monotonous and boring. A second glance reveals something else. Fast dating apps are exciting, adventurous, they lead to adrenaline rushes and sexual arousal. That is all true.
But many dating app users eventually report burnout, an inner emptiness, they are weary of endless dating. The fast, short‑term rewards, the perpetual hope, become exhausting when we look at the overall balance of how much time, energy, and hope we have gambled away.
This is why dating apps are deleted more often than any other apps – only to be reinstalled. Why? The speed dating of dating apps can become addictive, and the apps seem to be the only option. As empty as the matter may be: once the app is gone, it becomes even emptier.
Addiction Mechanisms in Dating
Now, however, people are no longer kept in the app because they find it exciting, but because they want to reduce the boredom that was actually created by the dating app itself.
A classic addiction mechanism that binds people to dating systems, but does not promote their relationship finding.
Slow Dating as a Calm, Sustainable Alternative
With Slow Dating, excitement, euphoria, and sexual arousal do not occur as they do on dating apps, but conversely, there is also no crash into boredom, emptiness, and addiction.
With Slow Dating, we are not in the dating system daily, let alone hourly. Rather, with Slow Dating, the dating platform, e.g., Consonance, is just a quiet option in the background. It wakes up when a suitable person comes into view.
Now a notification arrives. We can log in today, tomorrow, or the day after, read the message, and reply. After that, we have no reason to remain in the system for hours. We stay with it until a relationship develops.
Slow Dating in a Societal Context
Speed dating on dating apps has conquered the dating market worldwide. Billions are generated, just like with gaming or addictive substances. But as in all areas of our society geared toward speed, consumption, and superficiality, there is an alternative perspective outside the mainstream that emphasizes sustainability and authenticity.
Since our founding in 2006, we at Consonance (Gleichklang) have stood for this perspective and advance our members’ partner search through our Slow Dating approach:
See for yourself and join now: ➨ REGISTER NOW!
