1. Preparing for Online Dating | Consonance (Gleichklang)

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1. Preparing for Partner Search

Am I Ready for a Partnership?

This chapter is intended to give you a basis for deciding whether you actually want a romantic partnership.

Societal pressure to be in a romantic relationship no longer exists. A happy life is possible even without a partnership. Alternative lifestyles as a single person without loneliness, isolation, or social stigmatization have long become a real possibility. Moreover, a partnership is always a give and take, a gain, but also a loss.

Therefore, consider carefully whether a partnership would be an enrichment for you personally, for your life circumstances, and for your life goals – or not.

Have the courage to decide in favor of a relationship, but also against a relationship, if you come to the conclusion that this is the better life situation for you. Do not let yourself be pressured into a relationship, for example, by normative societal expectations that may be conveyed to you through your circle of friends or your family.

Make it clear to yourself that it is completely normal to be single, and that a partnership only makes sense if you truly want it.

Sometimes it may also be the better path to leave the decision for or against a partnership open. This way, you are not under time pressure and do not need to rush your decisions.

You yourself know best whether and when the time has come for you to desire a romantic relationship and can therefore begin your partner search.

Yes, for most people, partnership remains one of the most important factors in their lives. But increasingly, there are also people who are happy as singles and who consciously choose a single life.

What is lost in terms of romantic intimacy and security as a single can be gained in freedom and independence. For example, close friendships can take on and partially replace important social functions of traditional partnerships.

If you do not want a partnership, you can instead consider looking for a best friend. Communities in which non-partnered individuals live together are also an alternative to partnership. It makes sense to think about such alternatives in order to find the best life path for you.

In the past, people often entered into partnerships out of social pressure. Often, the individuals involved had no say or only limited say in the choice of partner. The key decisions were made by the parents. If you will, parents in earlier times held the role of today’s online matchmaking services – albeit with the difference that parents not only offered partner suggestions but also decided on their rejection or acceptance. In fact, such practices still exist in some parts of the world.

Today, however, in many parts of the world, people can decide for themselves whether and how they want to be in a partnership. Also, unlike in the past, partnership and children typically no longer serve as a safeguard in old age. Today, other social networks such as senior residences or outpatient care services are available that can fulfill this function.

This results in an increase in freedom, where people no longer have to start a family to secure care and support in old age.

In place of traditional matchmakers like parents, online partner search has emerged today. It makes it possible to meet people you would otherwise never have had on your radar. This brings new opportunities and possibilities, which is also reflected in the fact that more and more people are finding a partner online. There are no precise figures, but it is estimated that currently one in three new relationships forms online.

However, an online partner search only makes sense if you are absolutely sure that you want a partnership. Therefore, at the very beginning and before starting your search, you should first seriously engage with this question.

Partnership is not only happiness and romance, but also requires willingness to change, compromise, and work. Partnership is also not only associated with positive feelings. It always means disappointment and conflict as well.

In fact, while a happy partnership can be one of the most important factors for life satisfaction, an unhappy relationship can also lead to immense suffering. In extreme cases, murders and suicides resulting from heartbreak or relationship misery show just how intense the emotional pain can become.

People who suffer in and from their relationship would have been better off avoiding that partnership or separating in time. Apparently, they lacked the necessary inner ability to set boundaries and it was not possible for them to exit a destructive relationship dynamic in time. As singles or with another partnership, they would have been happier.

And yes, on average, people in partnerships generally show better mental and physical health than singles. With a reliable person by your side, problems and life crises are easier to overcome. Helplessness and loneliness recede, and shared activities and goals bring meaning to everyday life and one’s own existence.

But this bright picture of partnership illuminates only one side. A closer look shows that partnership can also make you unhappy. For instance, Pieh et al. (2020), in a study on the influence of partnerships on psychological well-being during the Covid-19 pandemic, made the following observations:

• People in relationships with high relationship quality exhibited the best mental health.

• The lowest mental health was found in people who were in destructive relationships.

• The mental health of singles fell in the middle range between people in happy and unhappy relationships.

The positive effects of romantic relationships therefore only apply under the condition of a satisfying relationship with good relationship quality. While singles on average fare worse than people in happy relationships, they are significantly happier than people living in destructive relationships.

Please do not misunderstand: This guide does not intend to question the positive image of love and partnership that many people hold, nor to discourage you from searching for a partner. But my aim is to take a realistic view of partnerships.

It is important not to be naive, but to consider all sides. This way, you can answer the question of whether the time has come for you to begin your search on a solid foundation.

Assessing Your Own Readiness for a Relationship

Use the following three questions to check whether you are currently ready for a partnership:

• Do you want to change your life?

• Do you really want to commit to another person?

• Do you want to commit?

Do you want to change your life?

A new person brings new things into daily life. Life cannot simply continue as before when a new love begins. Much may be preserved and maintained, but other things will have to change. Partners are not merely accessories.

Even with a high degree of compatibility, aspects will enter your life that require change. You will not be able to continue your daily routine exactly as you currently do as a single.

Only if you are ready for such change may the time have come for a new relationship.

Do you really want to commit to another person?

Love can be something wonderful, but it also demands a lot, and not everything beautiful it can bring happens automatically.

The prerequisite for love is the willingness to get to know another person, to communicate with them in depth, to adapt to them, and to keep working on the relationship.

A relationship is not just about joy, passion, and happiness.

It is about understanding and acceptance, taking the person with their flaws as they are. It is about care, compromise, problem-solving, and relationship work.

Being in love is a bit like being crazy. Everything dissolves and you are on cloud nine. A lot of irrationality, illusions, even obsession may be involved. The importance of the person you are in love with rises, and the importance of other things diminishes.

This can certainly be a good sign, if beyond the euphoria there is compatibility and a common path can be found.

But even in the best case, the rough edges of the new person will soon become visible. Problems, conflicts, and disappointments are inevitable in love. In the best case, conflicts can be resolved and the positive experiences outweigh the negative ones. This way, relationships endure and can even deepen, even if passion decreases.

For this, however, you must be willing to work on understanding, compromise, and acceptance.

Sometimes conflicts nevertheless take on destructive forms and toxic relationships emerge. Here, it is important to set boundaries in time and, if necessary, to end a relationship.

Only if you are aware of all these requirements and, of course, opportunities, and you still affirm the desire for a relationship, may it make sense for you to begin the search for a partner.

Do you want to commit?

Partnerships can be monogamous or non-monogamous. What one couple sees as binding, another sees as flexible, thus expanding their experiential possibilities. Many couples live together. Others choose the model of separate apartments. There are also long-distance relationships and weekend relationships. Some couples even lead intercontinental relationships over the internet. All of these relationships can be happy.

Despite all this diversity, one basic rule applies to all relationship forms:

• Without commitment, a relationship cannot survive. Anyone who gives up at the first obstacle will not stay together in the long run. Anyone who immediately abandons ship when conflicts arise should not bother raising the sails in the first place.

For a lasting relationship, bonding, reliability, effort, and care are indispensable. This distinguishes a relationship from casual acquaintances or non-committal erotic contacts.

Commitment includes the willingness to stick together even through difficult times. In times of problems, crises, or illness of partners, devotion and sacrifice may also become necessary.

Only if you have the willingness to commit with all its consequences is a romantic relationship the right life model for you.

Your Answers

Now go through the three questions again and answer them with “Yes” or “No.”

Did you answer “No” to one or more of the three questions?

• Perhaps the model of a happy single existence is currently the better path for you.

• Casual acquaintances and less binding erotic contacts are possible and can certainly be accompanied by high life satisfaction.

• Friendship or alternative models of living and community may take the place of partnership.

Do you answer all three questions with a wholehearted “Yes”?

• Partnership is the right life model for you, and nothing stands in the way of beginning your search.

Do you feel uncertainty and can neither say “Yes” nor “No” to one or more questions?

• A “Yes-No” is not a good foundation for partner search and starting a relationship. However, use the following chapters to check your current readiness for a relationship again afterward.

Who Am I and Whom Am I Looking For?

In the previous chapter, you clarified for yourself whether you are actually ready for a relationship at this time. In this chapter, you will be encouraged to think about yourself, your desires related to partners and relationships, and to reflect on them.

You will discover various possibilities of love and relationship design, possibly broadening your horizon and thus finding the right relationship model for yourself.

In terms of realism and feasibility, the partner choice will also involve separating the indispensable from the negotiable. The goal is to work out criteria for the partner search that fit your own personality and are realistic.

You may find that various relationship models are conceivable for you, thereby increasing your search flexibility.

Knowing yourself is a great help in understanding the characteristics you should pay attention to while getting to know another person. Thinking about yourself will help you better find the right person and decide for them.

Thinking about yourself can also show you things about yourself and your lifestyle that you would like to change. Do not fall into the pattern of postponing everything until tomorrow, but begin the changes the moment you recognize them as desirable. This way, a new relationship can start off under a good star.

Alignment as the Foundation of Relationship Happiness

In popular sayings, “Birds of a feather flock together.” Or does “Opposites attract” hold true?

From a psychological perspective, this question can be answered as follows:

• Opposites can be stimulating in the short term, but alignment in central characteristics holds a relationship together. Opposites may lead to a certain fascination, but alignments lead to long-term relationships.

Why is this?

A relationship is happier and more lasting the more opportunities there are for shared positive experiences. Certainly, the fascination of an opposite can be invigorating. But without common reference points, each goes their own way. This leads to dissatisfaction or conflicts. In the end, the relationship often ends.

On what should there be alignment to be happy together in a relationship?

Not all differences have to be problematic; moreover, a relationship without differences is hardly imaginable. However, if there are irreconcilable opposites in areas that are significant for daily life and the relationship, high relationship quality will not develop.

Conversely, differences in less central or secondary characteristics are not problematic for relationship satisfaction.

Models of Relationship Design

Central to a relationship are certainly the fundamental relationship models:

• Should the relationship be sexually monogamous?

• Is consensual non-monogamy desired? (Consensual non-monogamy refers to agreements that allow sexuality with third parties outside the relationship.)

• Should the relationship be polyamorous? (Polyamorous relationships involve loving relationships between more than two people.)

• Is a relationship without sexuality desired?

The relationship models also include the question of possible family planning or expectations regarding gender roles:

• If starting a family with biological children is a central goal for one person, relationship satisfaction will be low if the other person rejects starting a family.

• If one person holds classically traditional gender role expectations while the other advocates for equality and overcoming gender roles, conflicts are also more likely to arise.

The extent of togetherness versus autonomy desired in a relationship also falls under relationship models:

• Some people advocate symbiotic relationship models, where partners spend all possible time together. Others prefer relationships with especially many opportunities for autonomy and independence for the partners.

• Symbiotically oriented individuals will experience their partners’ desire for autonomy as rejection. Conversely, strongly autonomy-oriented individuals may feel constricted with symbiotically oriented partners.

If there is alignment in relationship models, it will be easier to harmoniously implement the ideas of the partners, allowing everyone involved to achieve maximum fulfillment.

If, on the other hand, the relationship models do not align, one side will have to compromise, or mutual dissatisfaction and conflicts will arise. Infidelity and jealousy may be further consequences.

Another central area is the area of ethical-moral beliefs and the associated life practices:

• The stronger certain everyday-shaping ethical-moral beliefs are, the more tension, dissatisfaction, and conflict will arise when the values of partners are incompatible with each other.

Ethical beliefs are significant because they are closely tied to our emotional-motivational processes and because they are important for experiencing sympathy. Fundamentally, people who share our moral stances are more sympathetic to us than people who oppose our moral principles. What aligns with our ethical-moral beliefs is experienced as positive and attractive; what contradicts them is experienced as negative and repulsive.

Moral beliefs are more deeply embedded in processes of sympathy formation than, for example, purely aesthetic judgments of taste, where deviation may even be experienced as unimportant. Whether a person prefers apple juice or orange juice is ultimately irrelevant for a relationship. Differences here do not need to divide. The folk wisdom “there’s no accounting for taste” clearly illustrates the relativizability of taste differences. However, this does not apply to moral beliefs.

Political-societal beliefs, religious beliefs, and increasingly also dietary styles are closely linked to ethical-moral value judgments, so it is helpful for a romantic partnership to agree here.

• One example: People who, out of ethical conviction, do not eat meat or live vegan will very likely experience dissonance in relationships with people who very much enjoy eating meat and want to stick to it, or who even work in the livestock industry.

The reason is that they judge their partners’ behavior as morally wrong and reprehensible. The meat-eating partners, in turn, may fundamentally have no difficulty with the vegan diet of their vegan partners, since a plant-based diet may contradict their habits and tastes, but it does not have to fundamentally bother them as long as their own meat consumption is not questioned. However, it will bother them if the vegan partners, due to their moral conviction, morally condemn meat consumption or insist on a change, even though they themselves do not see the need.

Significantly fewer problems would be expected between vegans and meat-eaters if the vegans did so only for fitness reasons or purely for taste reasons. Although adjustments in everyday life may also arise here, they will be easier to manage because they do not involve deeper ethical differences.

There are many ways to manage differences in relationships when they exist. However, with ethical-moral differences, dissatisfaction or even conflicts are unlikely to be completely avoided, especially when they manifest in everyday practice.

Clear indications of this were also shown in a survey by the portal vegan.eu among 5,173 vegan individuals:

• Only 21% of respondents who currently or in the past had a relationship with a meat-eating person rated their partner’s meat consumption as unproblematic for the relationship. 45.6% reported conflicts due to their partner’s meat consumption. 74.1% stated that they had hoped or continued to hope that their partner would switch to a vegan lifestyle.

However, it is to be assumed that reconciling opposing stances is likely difficult, especially regarding central beliefs. For less important beliefs, differences should accordingly be less serious. The extent of differences in beliefs may therefore depend on the individual value partners assign to these fundamental convictions.

Central beliefs are not only accompanied by emotional-cognitive evaluation processes and the development of sympathy or antipathy, but also often have an impact on everyday life.

This can be well illustrated by religious beliefs:

• Strong religious convictions will often lead to a desire to participate in religious practices and rituals. Likewise, there will usually be a desire to raise possible children together according to one’s own religious principles. If incompatible religious beliefs meet, problems can arise.

The same applies to political beliefs:

• Political beliefs may lead to active political engagement, which can take up a significant part of daily life. If political attitudes align, there can be easier acceptance and agreement than if they diverge.

If beliefs have a strong connection to everyday life, they often also shape social networks and friendships. This, in turn, influences how well partners can be integrated or want to be integrated into existing social networks and circles of friends.

Dealing with Differences

Alignment is less important in lifestyles or habits that are not based on profound moral, religious, or political convictions.

Examples include a healthy lifestyle, sports and fitness, travel, musical or artistic interests.

With such less central differences, it will be easier to coordinate with each other than with deep-seated opposites in central beliefs. Nevertheless, challenges can also arise here, especially when these differences clearly shape everyday life, are maintained, and are to be practiced together.

From these considerations, it also follows that, for example, different religious or spiritual practices may sometimes be easier to manage on a case-by-case basis: for instance, if there is a belief that everyone can find salvation in their own way. In this case, religious differences do not have to be an obstacle.

However, if there is a need to participate in rituals together or to experience spirituality together on an emotional-spiritual level, alignment would be very helpful, even if everyone is basically granted their own path to salvation.

Even purely external factors, such as place of residence, can have a facilitating or complicating effect on relationships, especially if neither side is interested in becoming more flexible regionally or considering other relationship models, such as a long-distance relationship.

Precisely because these difficulties do not result from genuine inner differences, the recommendation here is to consider making your own ideas and habits more flexible, rather than excluding or giving up on an otherwise potentially viable relationship from the start.

Thus, alignment between partners is only required for the centrally important things in life.

The following example illustrates this:

• Erika loves to dance and cannot imagine a life without it. Her dream is a relationship with a partner who is just as dance-crazy, and with whom she would also like to meet other dancing couples. Bernd has never liked dancing and cannot relate to Erika’s hobby. However, he shares his interest in nature, hiking, and forest walks with Susanne. Susanne also loves to dance, but being out in nature is much more important to her. In contrast, Mark is a dance fanatic like Erika, but a real nature lover.

Who fits with whom?

• Erika and Mark fit together because dancing is a central part of their lives. Likewise, Bernd and Susanne fit together because being out in nature has central significance for them. Although Susanne loves to dance and Bernd does not at all, this does not change their compatibility because dancing is far less central for Susanne than activities in nature.

The example highlights one interest (dancing). Interests and hobbies are sometimes very important, but often they can also be changed or, unlike in the example, they are usually not that central. Relationships can certainly become happy if the partners pursue their hobbies separately, as long as other aspects connect them.

So do not be afraid of a relationship in which hobbies differ. This is usually unproblematic, and in the course of a relationship, it will be possible to find additional shared hobbies.

More central than interests are, as already mentioned, values, as the following example also illustrates:

• Sascha lives vegan, and the protection of animals from exploitation, pain, and killing is close to his heart. He wants to align his life according to these principles. He particularly enjoys Indian dishes, replacing milk with soy cream. Rafael also really enjoys Indian food, but especially meat. He has nothing to do with the vegan lifestyle, and for him, the killing of animals is just part of it. Sergio cannot relate to Indian food at all. But he loves animals and does not eat meat.

Who fits with whom?

• Sascha and Rafael are not suitable for each other as partners. The deep incompatibility of their values cannot be compensated for even remotely by their shared enthusiasm for Indian food. Sascha and Sergio, on the other hand, fit together. The different taste plays no role as a superficial characteristic; their attitude toward animals connects them. Although Sergio does not yet live vegan, only vegetarian, the shared basic attitude is already present, and in all probability, he will gladly switch to a vegan lifestyle.

To summarize once more:

Differences are not a problem in themselves for a relationship. You do not need to look for an identical person, who does not exist anyway.

However, this is different with central characteristics. In central characteristics that are very important to you and indispensable for your lifestyle and satisfaction, there should be alignment for a relationship to be happy:

• Strictly vegan Sascha, who wants to protect animals, will not be happy with enthusiastic meat-eater Rafael, for whom killing animals is normal. The difference is central and therefore fundamentally opposes a balanced relationship.

• With Sergio and Sascha, on the other hand, their shared appreciation for the lives of animals and abstaining from meat will connect them, while taste differences will not matter as superficial differences.

Make these your guiding principles:

• Differences in non-central, superficial characteristics do not stand in the way of a shared relationship.

• For central characteristics that are indispensable for your lifestyle, however, alignment is a good prerequisite for a balanced relationship.

For answering the question “Who am I and whom am I looking for?” it is mainly about these central characteristics, while less important aspects should at most play a minor role.

But won’t it be boring if partners are too similar to each other?

The fear of boredom is unfounded. Alignment means being able to do things together and thus banish boredom. Moreover, similar does not mean identical. People are never identical in all characteristics. Enough differences remain that will repeatedly require a joint negotiation of lifestyle.

Make yourself aware of your central values, beliefs, relationship models, and life goals so that you can look for a person who fits you.

But do not overdo it and look for a copy of yourself that does not exist. Set requirements in your partner search, but do not set them too high; instead, focus on what is essential.

Brainstorming for Your Partner Search

Brainstorming is a process in which you freely associatively allow and collect various thoughts without immediately evaluating them. Often, we are already predetermined and therefore overlook the many alternatives that life offers us. Brainstorming can help us make these repressed alternatives visible.

To know what kind of relationship design you are looking for, it is first necessary to gain clarity about who you are and what matters to you. Subsequently, on this basis, you can think about which person you are seeking and what kind of relationship you want to have.

There are no givens, so it makes sense to engage with these questions.

Brainstorming: What matters to you in life?

Write down in bullet points everything that matters to you. Look at your entire life and make no compromises. But only write down what is truly central.

Your bullet points should therefore cover everything you experience as significant, from religion, music, sports, nutrition, and health to sexuality, work and career, finances, living situation, and life goals. Anything that is not important to you or less important can be omitted.

Now simply leave your bullet points aside; we will come back to them later.

Brainstorming: How do you imagine the person who fits you?

Give your thoughts free rein once again. Your bullet points can cover everything you would like to see in a partner: age, appearance, income and occupation, place of residence, personality, sexuality, religion, political beliefs, humor, hobbies, diet, relationship model, communication, and life goals.

If possible, use not only “and” but also “or,” in case you can imagine different alternatives.

Again, leave your bullet points aside until we come back to them later.

Brainstorming: What is your relationship model?

Many desire a traditional two-person relationship with sexual fidelity. Others dream of an open relationship or a polyamorous love that allows erotic and love-related experiences with multiple people.

Many lovers live together in an apartment or house. Others opt for separate apartments in the same location. Some lovers have long-distance relationships that even cross continental borders.

Many couples want to have children, others want to be happy childless, or the desire for children is no longer current, for example due to age. Adoptive or foster children are another possibility.

A number of people spend a large or even the largest part of their daily lives together in relationships. Some even work together. Others value personal space and do many things separately and only some together.

Often couples value constancy, for example building their own house in which they live for decades and which they may bequeath to their children. Others focus on adventure, change, and move to distant countries.

For some, sexuality and eroticism are central; others conversely desire a platonic or asexual relationship.

Many people want to be socially integrated and recognized through their relationships. Marriage may be an important step here. Others want to drop out and leave societal constraints behind.

This preface should give you food for thought for your brainstorming. Because often our relationship models are very set in their ways and traditional, without us thinking further about them.

Now write down everything in bullet points on the topic “This is how my relationship should be!”

Again, let the bullet points rest for now until we return to them.

Notes

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