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Approaching the First Meeting Correctly | Consonance (Gleichklang)
The first meeting refers to the first direct date with a person you previously only knew online. In this sense, during online partner search, you will usually have several or even a whole series of first meetings. In this chapter, you will learn what you can do to ensure that the first meeting goes well. However, this chapter is also about what you can best do if the first meeting did not go well.
The Foundation Is Already Laid Online
In online dating, the first meeting does not take place in a vacuum but builds on the online communication that has already taken place:
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The more deeply you communicated beforehand, the less the first meeting in online dating will resemble a pure blind date.
Psychological studies also show how important prior online communication is:
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Sharabi and Caughlin (2017) observed that among online daters, interest in a second meeting after the first meeting was higher the more strongly a match in attitudes had already been identified online. The extent of online communication and self‑disclosure during online communication also had a positive effect on the first meeting.
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In another study, Sharabi and Caughlin (2018) showed that the first meeting is more negative when those seeking a partner get the impression that they have been deceived by the other person in online communication.
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A third study (Sharabi and Dykstra‑DeVette, 2019) found that the likelihood of a second date after the first meeting increased when relationship preferences had already been discussed online.
The best preparation for your first date is to communicate online with each other seriously, authentically, and in depth beforehand.
If you communicate honestly and meaningfully with each other, it will be easier for you to build on this at the first direct encounter or even to turn it into a positive turning point.
Most people looking for a partner will not find their relationship at the very first date. However, this is by no means set in stone: approach every first meeting with the attitude that you may be meeting the person you will end up with.
Overcoming Inhibiting Hesitations
Do you have fears about the first meeting and feel inhibited? Address this directly online or in a prior phone call. Once inhibitions are voiced, they usually subside. Questions you think about before the first meeting can also help. But if the meeting goes well, you don’t need to stick to them, of course.
Were your inhibitions so high that you behaved too distantly during the meeting?
The child hasn’t fallen into the well yet. Send a text message or an audio message saying that you were a bit shy, but that the other person impressed you and you would like to repeat the meeting.
Communicate Openly and Warmly During the Meeting
Emotionally cold encounters usually do not lead to the goal. Do not be afraid to show your feelings at the first meeting. Make it clear directly if you are interested. Honest compliments are well received, regardless of gender.
Take the first meeting as an opportunity to continue opening up, as you have already begun online. Talk about your relationship wishes and future expectations. Ask questions to learn more about the other person. Pay attention to a good balance of sharing, asking, and listening. Both people should have a chance to shine at the first meeting.
Much more important than sophisticated conversations about God and the world, politics, travel, music, or sports is self‑disclosure and conversation about relationship wishes and relationship ideas. Other topics are at most stepping stones for entering the actual exchange.
Self‑disclosure and joint reflection on a possible life together increase the likelihood that the first meeting will go well and that the foundation for a partnership will be laid.
Say it directly if you have a positive impression and would like to continue getting to know each other. This makes it clear that from your side the first encounter went well and that there is an interest in a relationship.
Ask the other person about their own experience if they do not express themselves spontaneously.
Physical Closeness and Sexuality Are Possible
If you feel mutually connected, physical closeness is possible even at the first meeting. Distance and restraint are then rather harmful.
Of course, this requires empathy and a differentiated perception of the other person. Because closeness will only be experienced as positive when there is mutual attraction. Asking directly is the best way.
Looking deep into each other’s eyes, smiling, flirting, and exchanging physical tenderness – all of this can already take place at the first meeting.
If both want it, there is nothing against sex at the first meeting either. Everything is possible, nothing is mandatory.
Usually, first meetings tend to be a little quieter, more neutral, or still slightly awkward. This is by no means to be judged negatively, and in later encounters greater intimacy can develop.
If sexuality at the first meeting is definitely not an option for you, it makes sense to make this clear before the meeting.
Arrange a Second Date Quickly
If there was a positive response, you should meet again as soon as possible. The faster a renewed contact and a second meeting take place after the first meeting, the more likely it is that a partnership relationship will develop. Of course, this only applies if a quick meeting is possible at all.
Making contact again and arranging a second date as soon as possible increases the chances of success. Waiting, on the other hand, can be misinterpreted as rejection.
Just as with the first online message, you lose nothing if you are the first to make contact after the meeting. Give positive feedback quickly and suggest another meeting.
Dealing with Disillusionment and Disappointment
The meeting went more or less well, but somehow you are disappointed:
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Despite all the communication online, by phone, and via video chat, you had imagined the person differently. You experience it as if an illusion has burst.
Possibly this actually means that you are not suited for a great love together. But do not jump to this conclusion too quickly:
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Perhaps it was the prior communication that came closest to the truth. There may be many, also temporary, factors that explain why there was no resonance at the first meeting.
Write or pick up the phone to clarify the situation with the other person.
Did the other person experience it the same way? Do you both want to give yourselves a chance for a second attempt?
A relationship can still develop through such a second attempt.
Do Not Reject Someone Too Quickly Because of Appearance
As nice as the other person is, their physical appearance does not match your expectations? Is this a final impression, or can your assessment still change?
In principle, changes in the perception of attractiveness are possible. In fact, experiencing attractiveness is not only about appearance but also about intellectual-emotional and communicative factors.
Moreover, many people are able to relativize their evaluation schemas when faced with new experiences. So you may recognize a beauty on a second look that was initially hidden from you.
Also do not forget the folk wisdom “Clothes make the man.” Consider whether your impression might change with a different outfit or clothing.
The Spark Doesn’t Fly
The spark doesn’t fly. You experience no butterflies in your stomach. Infatuation does not set in.
Of course, it would have been desirable if strong feelings had arisen at the very first meeting.
On the other hand, it doesn’t have to be that way, and sympathy can also develop gradually.
If sympathy arises at the first meeting, that is already a good sign. In the course of further encounters, the emotional level may deepen. Do not place too high expectations on the intensity of feelings, but be open to a slower, step‑by‑step development. It would be a pity if a chance for a relationship is missed because love only develops gradually.
Chance for a Second Evaluation
In principle, the advice is to give yourself a chance for a second evaluation. Even if the first encounter was sobering, subsequent encounters may reveal aspects that ultimately connect emotionally.
A distinction can be made here between primary and secondary evaluation:
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Primary evaluation takes place in a fraction of a second and is only slightly influenced by higher‑order cognitive processes.
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Secondary evaluation is a slower but more complex process that takes greater account of rational components and the totality of information.
If secondary evaluation leads to a new assessment, changed feelings will also arise from it. Many couples feel an immediate emotional connection after the first meeting; others need more time of getting to know each other and exchanging views to develop sympathy, friendly feelings, and love.
If a meeting was overall friendly and sympathetic, a further encounter makes sense, even if there is some disappointment, the appearance did not quite match your preferences, or the spark simply did not fly.
However, if you experience antipathy or aversion, a further encounter usually does not make sense. Be friendly, but do not hesitate to express openly that the chemistry is not right.
Ending the meeting early can also be entirely appropriate in such a case and is sometimes experienced by both sides as a relief.
Dealing with Hurts
Did the other person hurt you during the meeting or afterward with a rejecting, abrupt, or disparaging remark?
This is not the norm in online dating, but it can happen. Do not take it too hard and do not start doubting yourself.
Not all people fit together, and not everyone has polite manners. View the experience as an opportunity to learn how to respond with composure and to toughen up against the hurts we can suffer in social interaction.
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