5. Old Relationship Patterns and New Love Happiness | Consonance (Gleichklang)

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Old Relationship Patterns and New Love Happiness | Consonance (Gleichklang)

Learning from the Past

You have processed previous losses through death or separation and now want to focus on the future and your desire for a new relationship?

But what if you fall back into old relationship patterns in your future relationship – patterns that already made you unhappy before?

Before you start your partner search, you should already know what you would like to do differently in the future. That is why in this chapter you will learn to recognize your own contributions to the failure of past relationships, to change yourself in this way, and thus to give a future relationship a better foundation.

As humans, we tend to repeat the same patterns. Psychologists Park and MacDonald (2019) found that after the end of relationships, people more often seek new partners who show similarities to their ex‑partners.

If the previous relationship was fulfilling and happy, this is not a problem. However, the authors suspect that this tendency can lead to a repetition of relationship problems in previously unfulfilling relationships. Then people are at risk of repeatedly finding themselves in the same stressful relationship constellations through their partner choices.

However, partner search is more than just finding a person for a new relationship. Usually, all parties share responsibility for relationship problems. Therefore, it is not enough to avoid an unfavorable partner choice.

If your own contributions have contributed to relationship conflicts or upheavals in the past, there is a risk that these will soon reappear in a new relationship. After all, the future is largely shaped by the past. It is not without reason that people say we are creatures of habit.

However, we can also change our habits. If we succeed in recognizing problematic behavioral patterns from the past, we can develop strategies to prevent their repetition. This also applies to our love relationships.

So before you begin your partner search, take another look back at your past relationships. Recognize mistakes, weaknesses, and problematic patterns that you would like to avoid in the future.

In the following exercise, remember what went well and what went poorly in past relationships. However, in this exercise, direct your attention not only to the actual or possible mistakes and omissions of your former partners, but especially to yourself. You can no longer change ex‑partners, but you can change yourself.

Try to find answers to the following questions:

• What did you yourself contribute to previous relationships developing unfavorably?

• Where were you uncompromising, or where might you have failed to show your boundaries in time?

• What would you do differently if you could start all over again?

• Did you make an unfavorable partner choice – if so, in what way?

The answers to these questions are not purely theoretical; they point toward the future.

The clearer you become about what you want to handle differently in the future, the more likely you will be able to implement it.

Exercise: Recognizing and Changing Extremes

It is often the extremes – in whatever direction – that diminished happiness in a past partnership or even plunged it into misfortune.

The principle of this exercise is:

• Accept the past, but learn from your own mistakes.

Below you will find a list of possible extremes. The positive term is in the middle, with unfavorable extremes on the left and right.

Now take your last significant partnership and assess yourself:

• Where were you in the green zone, and where did you fall into one extreme or the other?

Bring your last significant relationship to mind and mark where you behaved unfavorably.

Incidentally, it is quite possible that seemingly opposing problem areas also occurred. For example, you may have fluctuated between distance, withdrawal, and clinging in a relationship. People in relationships may also alternate between submissiveness and aggression. In such cases, mark both opposites.

Add any other aspects that come to mind:

• Selfishness – Helpfulness – Self‑sacrifice
• Withdrawal – Independence – Dependence
• Conflict avoidance – Readiness for conflict – Aggressiveness
• Suppression – Problem solving – Catastrophizing
• Distance – Closeness – Clinging
• Disinterest – Freedom – Control
• Self‑forgetfulness – Self‑care – Egocentrism
• Self‑abandonment – Self‑assertion – Dominance
• Separate paths – Togetherness – Constriction (symbiosis)
• Sexual avoidance – Sexuality – Sex addiction
• Compliance – Finding solutions – Uncompromisingness
• Silence – Conversations – Lecturing
• Reprimands – Clarification – Adoration
• Holding on – Togetherness – Pushing away
• One‑sidedness – Reciprocity – Tit for tat
• Emotionally poor – Emotional expression – Overwhelming
• At any price – Commitment – Maybe only today
• Freezing – Change – Erraticness
• Submission – Equality – Dominating
• Giving up on oneself – Consideration – Recklessness
• Prudishness – Experimentation – Boundary violations
• Lack of commitment – Independence – Dependence
• Exclusion – Family connection – Family pressure
• Only partner counts – Friendships – Friends are more important
• Boredom – Activity – Hyperactivity
• Reproaches – Forgiveness – Accepting everything
• Pessimism – Positive thinking – Rose‑colored glasses
• Naive – Realistic – Suspicious

Have you marked everything that applies?

Take a closer look at your marks and derive your own profile from them. Become aware of where your weaknesses lay. This is the first step toward overcoming them.

Now make a plan so that you do not fall back into these unfavorable old patterns in the future.

Based on your marks, write two short texts that record what you did wrong in the past and what you want to pay attention to in the future.

Keep these texts safe and look at them again and again in situations where they become relevant – whether in a budding partnership or during conflicts or dissatisfaction in such a relationship.

Sample texts:

What went wrong

• In my relationship with Jan, I sacrificed myself too much and neglected my own needs. As a result, I ended up in a dependent position. I also did not make it clear enough from the very beginning that balanced roles are important to me, and I did not want to see that Jan may not have been willing to do so from the start. Instead of attempting an open clarification, I clung to him, while at the same time making mountains out of molehills out of fear (catastrophizing). For a long time, I remained silent about conflicts and stuck my head in the sand, but when everything became too much, I exploded (conflict avoidance and aggression). I also tried to freeze everything and not allow any changes, while at the same time glossing things over and being naive. This prevented me from recognizing and expressing my own boundaries in time. In turn, this took away opportunities to clarify the existing problems and reach a solution.

What I will pay attention to in the future

• In the future, I no longer want to sacrifice myself in a partnership but also perceive and express my own needs and boundaries. I want to pay attention to reciprocity from the outset and address existing problems and conflicts in order to reach a solution. I want to avoid reproachfulness and aggression. If I notice shortly after getting to know someone that it does not fit and the other person does not want to engage, I will distance myself in time. I want to build a shared life, but each should also have their own freedom, and I will pay attention to independence. I will no longer bury my head in the sand, nor make mountains out of molehills, but actively tackle difficulties to reach a shared solution. Not everything has to stay as it was and is; rather, possibilities for change can be recognized, allowed, and implemented together.

Danger recognized – danger averted?

It is not quite that simple. Nevertheless, with your plan for change, you now have significantly better prospects for avoiding comparable problems in the future.

No person is completely consistent, and we do not always succeed in keeping our resolutions. Therefore, stay vigilant and observe yourself. If you notice that you are falling back into unfavorable patterns, remind yourself of your resolutions and turn the rudder around in time.

Implementing Your Resolutions

But what if implementing your good intentions simply does not work?

With good self‑management, this will happen less often; with deficits in self‑regulation, however, it will happen more often.

Do you have deficits in self‑regulation?

In that case, it makes sense to use partner search as an opportunity to work on optimizing your own self‑regulation. This chapter shows you how.

Only a few people are completely satisfied with themselves. Often we do things we actually do not want to do or should not do. Or we fail to do things we would like to do or should do.

These are two types of self‑management deficits, for which there are countless examples in everyday life.

We do what we do not want …

• People smoke, drink, eat too much or the wrong things, suffer from internet addiction, sex addiction, or gambling addiction, buy more than they should, are unfaithful, or deceive their partners in other ways.

All these behaviors – and many others – are based on a self‑regulation deficit, which consists of people sacrificing long‑term rewards (e.g., self‑satisfaction) or even suffering lasting damage (e.g., nicotine addiction, obesity) for short‑term rewards (e.g., taste experiences, the pleasure of winning at gambling, etc.).

When we are unfaithful or deceive our partners in other ways, we are often rewarded in the short term (fulfilling our own needs), but the long‑term consequences are unfavorable (reduction of relationship quality).

We do not do what we actually should …

• People do not exercise, put off necessary but unpleasant tasks, neglect order, studying, or work, fail to make unpleasant visits or keep appointments, sometimes even avoid necessary medical examinations or treatments.

Instead of actively addressing and solving existing problems, we often prefer to wait. All these and many other behaviors are also based on a self‑regulation deficit, which manifests itself in people not mustering the effort or self‑discipline to do what is necessary in time or to endure unavoidable strains.

For example, we may look away in a relationship and avoid conflicts at all costs. In the short term, we avoid a possibly stressful confrontation. In the long term, the problems in the relationship will persist and relationship quality will suffer.

Sympathy and self‑regulation

Typically, people who exhibit good self‑regulation are more likeable and experienced as more attractive. Accordingly, self‑control deficits are socially undesirable and also reduce your chances in partner search. So it really makes sense to combine the start of partner search with an improvement in self‑regulation.

In online dating, on average, people who do not smoke, do not drink or eat excessively, are not sex‑addicted, internet‑addicted, or gambling‑addicted, but rather show self‑discipline and perseverance, exercise, take care of their health, and face necessary demands even when they are unpleasant or strenuous are considered better matches.

People with higher self‑regulation can cope better with stress, resolve conflicts more effectively, have more success experiences, and are more satisfied with themselves. They can manage problems in relationships better and work out solutions together. Therefore, they are perceived as more reliable and trustworthy.

By improving your self‑regulation, you increase your own attractiveness in online dating. But you also improve your relationship skills, which improves the prospects for a happy and stable partnership. Ultimately, good self‑regulation increases your satisfaction with yourself.

Start changing now

Have you wanted to quit smoking or reduce your alcohol consumption for a long time? Do you want to exercise regularly, eat healthier, or eliminate the chaos in your life?

When big things are at stake, some difficulties become relative. Love is one of the most important things in life. If you focus on this goal, it will be easier for you to change some things in your everyday life for the better – even if they are already long‑standing habits.

Do not postpone your goals for change any longer; tackle them now.

Self‑optimization is not about bending yourself out of shape to increase your chances on the so‑called “partner market.” It is about starting with what you have always wanted and thereby becoming more consistent with yourself, more satisfied, and more capable of forming relationships.

Strategies for Better Self‑Regulation

Self‑control does not come by itself; it requires training. Fortunately, there are strategies you can apply that work well here:

Identify the problem and the goal

Make clear what the problem is and what you want to change. Define the desired change as precisely as possible.

Examples:

• Quit smoking

• Stop eating meat

• Reduce alcohol consumption by half

• Jog for half an hour every day

Set a start date

Set a specific and soon start date from which you will begin the desired behavior. Do not push the start date too far into the future; start soon, for example next Monday or in an hour.

Identify barriers and risky situations

Think in advance about what risky situations or complications might arise that could prevent you from your target behavior or tempt you.

Examples:

• A shared meal with friends

• Evening visits to bars

• Lack of sleep

• Own excuses (today I am allowed to … just this once)

Create contingency plans

Plan how you will resist risky situations and complications. Formulate a precise action instruction for yourself that includes the things you will do, say, or think to stay strong when tempted.

It can also be very helpful to clearly tell your friends that you no longer want to smoke, eat meat, or drink, to name a few possible goals.

The more you create commitment and ask for respect for your wishes, the less friends and acquaintances will become negative influences and prevent you from reaching your goal.

Also plan what words you will use to call yourself to order and put yourself back on track. Shouting an inner “Stop, I will not give in to this temptation now” can be helpful.

To ensure you do not forget what you set out to do, a reminder function on your phone may also help.

Use self‑regulation techniques

With the help of self‑regulation techniques, you can stay on track for optimization:

• Self‑observation: Observe yourself so that you recognize in time when you are in danger of becoming weak.

• Self‑instruction: Call yourself to order and use self‑instructions. Practice following your own instructions.

• Self‑reward: Reward yourself when you are successful – whether with words (“Wow, I am good”) or with actions (“today I will treat myself to a movie night”).

• Self‑punishment: Do not shy away from self‑punishment if you do not follow your resolutions. Of course, this is not about severe punishments, but about criticizing yourself or denying yourself a privilege that you would otherwise have taken.

• Situation design (stimulus control): The same people behave differently in different situations. Situation design as a self‑regulation technique is about deliberately creating everyday situations that promote positive behavior and inhibit negative behavior. If you want to become more athletic, for example, it may be more helpful to arrange to meet a friend who jogs rather than one who only wants to eat cake together. To reduce alcohol consumption, walks in the woods are more sensible than visits to bars. An effective strategy against the craving for sweets is to stop buying them altogether and instead reach for healthy fruit and nuts in the supermarket aisle.

SCreate motivational incentives

Without constant self‑motivation, many resolutions get lost. To achieve and maintain a target behavior, it is therefore important to motivate yourself again and again.

Time projection is helpful here: imagine how wonderful it will be for you when you have achieved your goal. The more vividly you imagine it, the better.

But it is also important to believe in yourself.

It is not enough to have a goal. We must also trust ourselves to achieve it. In psychology, beliefs about being able to achieve goals are called self‑efficacy beliefs.

If self‑efficacy beliefs are low, we will not become active for our goals, no matter how much we desire them. So if we do not believe in ourselves, we do not even begin to implement changes. But if we believe we can do something, we tackle it.

So make it clear to yourself that everyone can improve their self‑regulation, including you!

Preparation for Online Dating

When things hit us by surprise, we are often helpless and feel at their mercy. But if we are prepared, we can fall back on existing ideas and scripts, making coping usually more successful.

Temporary failure in online dating can be caused by a number of factors. Prepare yourself well for these and other possible factors from the very beginning, so that the success of your partner search does not fall victim to them – we will come back to many of these factors later:

• Laziness: Searching for a suitable platform, creating a meaningful profile, maintaining an emerging contact – all of this takes time and effort. Do you recognize impulses toward laziness and procrastination in yourself? Prepare clear resolutions and apply the self‑regulation techniques you have learned. Keep reminding yourself of your goal and believe in your chances of finding a relationship through online dating.

• Lack of patience: This is one of the most common failure factors in online dating. Think long‑term. A partnership should ideally last a lifetime. So the search may take a while – 2 to 3 years is perfectly fine. Expect a long time horizon and be pleased if it goes faster.

• Fear of rejection: Especially people with inhibitions and fragile self‑esteem often react with inner hurt to rejections and rejections. However, finding a partner usually does not happen in a straight line; there are barriers and detours. Be aware in advance of the high probability of rejections and work on developing a slightly thicker skin. View online dating as an opportunity to work on more self‑confidence.

• Fear of commitment: Suddenly you lose your courage when things get serious? Partnership requires a commitment decision. Life changes with a partnership. There will not only be positive experiences and gains but also negative experiences and losses. With a good fit and shared goals, however, the positive sides will prevail. Be aware that there are and always will be ambivalences, and prepare yourself in advance to say “yes” when the overall fit is good.

• Dating addiction: Some people become virtually addicted to dating, which is why they cannot make a decision for a relationship. Observe yourself and make sure that your actual goal of a lasting relationship is not replaced by short‑term pleasures and entertainment. If dating becomes a compulsion, it is time to pull the emergency brake. At the latest now, switch platforms and only look for partnership where the focus is not on entertainment and excitement but on getting to know a person.

What other complications do you anticipate?

People are different, and with different people, different complications can arise. The five possible complications in online partner search mentioned above are particularly common, but the list is by no means complete.

Do a brainstorming session and write down in keywords all possible complications you can imagine in your case.

Now consider how you can best address these complications.

Write down your solutions in keywords next to the complications and keep the paper so that you can refer to it later if necessary.

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