15. Effective Online Communication in Partner Search | Consonance (Gleichklang)

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Effective Online Communication in Partner Search | Consonance (Gleichklang)

This chapter names the crucial factors for effective online communication in partner search.

Activating Your Partner Search

You now have a clear and realistic idea of your search, have found one or more suitable platforms, and have already created your search profiles there. Now is the time to start your partner search. This chapter shows you the steps to actively shape your partner search and lead it to success.

But before you begin, remind yourself of four important recommendations for action from the first section of this guide.

Anyone who forgets these recommendations often misses opportunities and not infrequently gives up their partner search in frustration:

The Four Central Inner Approaches

Prepare for a Longer Search Duration

Partner search can happen very quickly, but equally there are many online couples who only met after years of searching.

For many things in life, we are willing to invest great effort and a lot of time. Just think of education and career. Some people save for decades for their own house.

So why shouldn’t we also be willing to invest time and patience in partner search?

Therefore, plan from the outset for two to three years for your partner search and be positively surprised if it goes faster. It can even take longer.

Do not put yourself under time pressure in your partner search, but cultivate the crucial virtue of patience.

Also be aware that the goal is not many contacts, conversations, or fun, but solely that one day you will meet the right person with whom you will build a hopefully lasting happy love relationship.

Once you have met that person, it will no longer matter how long you have been searching.

So immunize yourself from the outset against the danger of giving up early and prepare for a long search duration.

You can also view it positively if an online partner search takes time and does not lead to success immediately. If you can internally accept that the partner search may well take several years, the pressure falls away and you will succeed in approaching your partner search with a positive attitude and composure and staying on track.

Those who are impatient constantly run the risk of giving up prematurely or making wrong decisions. But if you see online partner search as a temporally open process, you can persevere more easily until success is achieved.

Avoid Prematurely Filtering Out

Also remember that many couples who met online initially did not find the profile of their later partner particularly interesting. So do not expect too much from a profile and do not reach for the delete button too hastily.

With the help of this book, you have dealt with the topic in depth and therefore created a meaningful profile of your own.

Most people looking for a partner do not give online dating any deep thought in advance and simply start according to their own taste. So a profile may appear superficial even though there is an interesting person behind it who might fit you.

But even for a profile put together with great care and authenticity, it remains true that ultimately all profiles can only show a part of the person. Profiles in online dating are therefore only meant to be a first incentive to make contact. Only further exchange will show whether there is a match and a love relationship can develop.

Therefore, delete suggestions only for very good reasons. Deleting a profile means that future contact can no longer happen. Remember when you want to hit the delete button that profile information is necessarily only superficial. Even during an exchange of messages, incomplete impressions and misunderstandings can occur that can be resolved by asking. This applies all the more to the mere viewing of a profile.

So use the delete button only when you are absolutely certain that a partnership with this person is impossible.

Approach Your Search with Realistic Optimism

Optimism is helpful when it is tied to concrete goals and courses of action. Your basic attitude acts like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you are optimistic when online dating, you show active search behavior, communicate authentically and positively, and thus generate interest in getting to know you among others.

Optimism does not mean glossing things over or going through the world with rose-colored glasses. Such a distorted form of optimism leads you to not solve problems, but let things run their course, hoping they will resolve themselves. However, this is usually not the case; unrealistic thinking, denial of problems, and problem avoidance merely lead to the persistence of problems.

You have good prospects of being successful through online partner search, but you must become active yourself and stay the course even in times of low activity. This is the realistic and correct basic attitude with which you should approach your partner search with optimism.

If, on the other hand, you are pessimistic, you will find it difficult to motivate yourself to active communication behavior. You will tend toward inactivity and allow yourself to be discouraged too quickly. You will also bring this negative, resigned, and embittered attitude into communication with others. As a result, you will receive less response.

Perhaps you had negative experiences in the past that still shape you today. Realize that the past does not have to be the future, but that you largely have your future in your own hands.

Develop a Thicker Skin

Online dating without any negative experiences is like winning the lottery. Typically, you will experience some negative things:

• Being ignored, unfriendly rejections, being turned down, possibly even crude advances or insults. You will also repeatedly experience that another person does not look at your profile, does not reply, or deletes your profile. Ghosting is also a common phenomenon: a person with whom you are communicating and whom you like, or with whom a relationship even seems to be developing or already exists, suddenly breaks off communication and disappears. You must also reckon with breadcrumbing, where contact interest is repeatedly pretended or greetings are sent, but there is in fact no intention to ever deepen the contact. Even when appointments have already been made, some may suddenly change their minds or, in the worst case, not show up without canceling. If the relationship building has already begun, some people develop fear of commitment or decide on someone else.

Do not let all these possible negative events deter you, but factor them in from the start. Imagine such situations in advance and prepare effective self-instructions along the lines of: “I knew this could happen, and I will not let it deter me from my partner search.”

Play through such situations in your mind and firmly plan to turn your attention to the progress of the partner search and to other people when such disappointments occur.

If you prepare yourself internally, you will not be overwhelmed by events but will cope well with them and thus make the best of your partner search.

Effective Action Strategies for Online Communication

The following recommendations will help you to effectively tackle the further steps of your partner search, recognize opportunities, and avoid risks:

Take Every Suggestion Seriously

See in every suggestion the possibility of your future love happiness. Avoid a consumer behavior where you look at suggestions like clothing items while shopping.

In online dating, such consumer behavior can quickly arise and prevent real encounter and relationship. People jump from suggestion to suggestion, do not want to commit, and always hope to find an even better bargain.

Many who fall into this consumer behavior end up remaining without a partner in online dating. Therefore, approach every profile with serious interest and give yourself and the person behind it a fair chance to get to know each other.

Be Open to Profiles Without a Photo

Basically, the advice is to upload a profile picture or even several pictures of yourself in a natural environment from the very beginning of online dating. However, as already explained, there can be good reasons not to upload a photo initially:

The fear of being recognized and losing the protection of anonymity is a common reason. Some people, however, also value communicating textually first before exchanging pictures, for fundamental reasons. This particularly concerns those who are searching very seriously but reject the superficiality of dating activities heavily focused on photos and visual stimuli.

Behind a photoless profile may be the person with whom you can build a happy relationship. But if you reject profiles too quickly due to a missing photo, you lose that chance.

It makes little sense to ask for a photo immediately in the first message. This can be perceived as pressure, as if someone is barging in. But once the first reply has come and contact has been established, asking for a picture is perfectly fine and usually complied with. The vast majority of those who do not upload photos in online dating profiles are willing to exchange pictures during communication.

Very few participants in online dating never exchange pictures even during communication and want to show their appearance only at a meeting. It is your decision whether you want to take such a risk or not. If the textual exchange is profound, the attempt may well be worthwhile.

Consider a Profile Holistically

Many people decide in seconds based on a photo whether someone is eligible for them or not. In dating apps, this is even the general standard. However, if you do this, you run the risk of regarding unsuitable people as suitable and suitable people as unsuitable.

This can lead to contacts that prove unsustainable, while potentially sustainable contact options are lost.

So do not let the first glance influence you too quickly. Read the entire profile, especially the free text. Allow yourself a second look.

Realize that aesthetic impressions and preferences can change when two people fit well together because of their inner values.

Write the First Message

Do not be too proud to write the first message yourself. If both wait, both wait in vain.

Many make it a habit in online partner search to wait for the other person to make the first move. However, this attitude harms the chances of success of your own partner search and at least leads to considerable loss of time. In contrast, those who make it a habit to take the first step themselves achieve success most frequently and most quickly.

A common mistake is to believe that the other person is not interested because they do not get in touch themselves. Possibly the other person thinks the same thing.

Sometimes it is gender role expectations that make women take a waiting role. The notion that the man should court and conquer the woman still exists.

While men often fulfill this role in dating apps or erotic portals, it is different with matchmaking services. Here, there are as many women as men who take the waiting role until they are contacted. All the more important for your success is that you take the initiative yourself and step out of the waiting role.

Therefore, the recommendation is to initiate the first contact yourself, and with all suggestions where there are no insurmountable reservations.

Only in the course of communication will it become clear whether to refrain from further encounter or whether a deeper getting-to-know is possible. Often, only through the exchange of messages can existing matches be identified. Your first message increases the likelihood that such an exchange will take place and perhaps a relationship will develop from it.

First Messages That Make an Impact

Do not block yourself with the desire to write the perfect first message. Perfection does not exist, and partner search is not a writing competition.

Detailed first messages are well received, but the first message does not need to be a novel. If the first message seems personal and interested, even a short text can generate positive response.

Especially if writing is somewhat difficult for you, it can be helpful to keep it rather brief at first.

But if writing comes easily to you, you do not need to constrain yourself and can happily send a longer text. The first message should definitely be individual.

People who find spontaneous writing difficult can prepare a general structure for a first message, which should be individualized for each person they contact. The first message must not look like a simply copied standard text; it should express a personal interest in the person being written to.

Therefore, it is important to address aspects of the other person’s profile that seem significant to you, name commonalities, give reasons for your interest, and also write a few sentences about yourself.

As a sign of your individual interest, it makes sense to refer to the free text of the other person. You can also address unusual, outstanding, or rare features of the other person, especially if you share them.

It is not about a complete listing. Pick out individual aspects that provide a good basis to build on.

Questions invite answers. So do not hesitate to ask questions in your first message. Conclude your first message with your wish to hear from the other person as soon as possible.

Which content or features of first messages are well received, and what is a no‑go for a first message?

A survey among Consonance (Gleichklang) members yielded the following results on this:

Which content or features of first messages are well received, and what is a no‑go for a first message?

First messages that addressed commonalities, conveyed a genuine interest in getting to know each other, described one’s own impression of the person being written to, and included an invitation to get in touch were rated positively by a large majority.

Most respondents were also very interested in learning why the other person had contacted them.

Various text forms can leave a positive impression. In particular, humorous texts, informative texts, and also texts that conveyed a positive outlook and hope were well received by a large majority of respondents. Texts that seemed personal, addressed one’s own hobbies and interests, as well as compliments, also met with positive resonance from the large majority.

Also popular were profound texts, the presentation of one’s own life philosophy, clarifying one’s own readiness for a relationship, and addressing one’s own feelings.

Unusual texts and detailed texts were also mostly rated positively.

Negatively rated content and features

The absolute no‑go is a message that only consists of a “Hello.” Such messages were rejected by almost all respondents.

Of course, this may be different with dating apps, where short messages and greetings with minimal content are often exchanged at high frequency. But with a matchmaking agency or a dating site, where you do not chat but write real messages, such hello messages are inappropriate and will usually be met with rejection.

Also rated negatively by a large majority of respondents were first messages that dealt with finances, dating experiences, or the reasons for one’s own single status.

Sad messages, political content, and hard‑to‑understand texts also met with majority rejection.

Also rather unpopular were sexual content, controversial or negative texts, and criticism of the person being addressed.

A detailed presentation of one’s own life story in a first message was also not desired by the majority of respondents.

In summary, the recommendation is to write a personal text that addresses commonalities, clarifies interest in getting to know each other, and invites further contact.

The text can be humorous, informative, unusual, and detailed. It makes sense to emphasize your own readiness for a relationship. A description of your own life philosophy, hobbies, and interests is also quite advisable.

In contrast, criticism, controversial content, descriptions of previous dating experiences, or a detailed reference to one’s own life story should be avoided in a first message.

Sexual content is usually out of place. Political content is also typically not desired in a first message.

On the other hand, the finding on political content, but also on sexual content, makes it clear that it depends on the individual case:

• If a profile shows a strong political interest or if a profile already discusses sexuality, it may well be appropriate in individual cases to address this in a first message. However, this will usually not be the case.

So only address the above‑mentioned topics that are mostly rated negatively in your first message if you can infer from the profile of the person you are writing to that they are particularly interested in those topics.

If no such hints arise from a profile, it is advisable to omit typical critical content in a first message.

But do not be put off by the positively rated features of a text, such as detail, humor, or unusualness. If you address the most important recommendations, a brief text can be perfectly sufficient.

Here is an example of a short but effective first message:

• Dear Norbert, I read your profile with great interest. I immediately noticed that you, like me, are interested in permaculture. I think this is an important common ground we can build on. Also, I love being in nature just as much as you do. What do you think? I am here looking for a partner for a shared life. Could you be the one? Shall we find out? In any case, I find your profile appealing. I would be very happy to hear from you! Best regards, Karin.

Follow Up If No Reply Comes

Do not give up immediately if you receive no reply. Do not hesitate to follow up.

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it unfortunately happens all too often that replies are postponed and then forgotten. This does not mean that a contact is already hopeless. If you are still interested, let the other person know once more.

Example text for a follow‑up:

• I haven’t heard from you yet, but I am still curious about your reply!

Incidentally, it is statistically completely normal in online dating for a first message not to be answered. For example, a data analysis of the response rate to first messages on the dating platform AYI.com came to the result that men – depending on the age difference to the woman they contacted – received a reply in only a minimum of 1 % to a maximum of 9 % of cases. For women, this rate fluctuated between 12 % and 22 %.

Certainly, the response rate also depends on the chosen dating platform. However, do not let unanswered messages unsettle you; instead, follow up.

Of course, it may be that a person is actually not interested in you and therefore does not reply.

It may also not be about your person per se, but about your profile or the nature of your first message. If you have followed all the advice in this book, however, this should usually not be the explanation.

Often, a missing reply has temporary reasons, and precisely in that case a follow‑up can be promising.

Reasons for Missing Replies

According to a Consonance survey, these are the six main causes for missing replies, although many other reasons are also conceivable:

• Profile or first message are not very meaningful: A missing, very short, or superficial free text, missing photos, or a generic copy‑paste first message without personal references can reduce the motivation to reply. Therefore, make sure that you take into account the recommendations given in this book when designing your profile and your first messages. This way, you can avoid replies that are not given for this reason.

• No interest: You cannot and need not please everyone. Perhaps the person in question really has no interest and does not want to send you a rejection. Nevertheless, a follow‑up does not hurt; you will either receive no reply again or a rejection.

• Personal inhibitions: Some people feel inhibited when they want to reply to a message. Causes may be fears of not meeting expectations or difficulties with writing. You will not be able to solve the other person’s problem. But a follow‑up from you may prompt them to muster a reply.

• Temporarily unavailable: People are on vacation, fall ill, or are distracted by other circumstances in their everyday lives from reading messages or taking the time to reply. Here too, a friendly follow‑up can provide an incentive to reply promptly once the temporary circumstances have changed.

• Procrastination and forgetting: Often we postpone things that we then leave or even forget. Reasons may be that someone has no time at that moment, is distracted, or wants to take more time for a meaningful reply. Here, a reminder can often work wonders.

So do not expect all your first messages to be answered immediately. Do not let unanswered first messages drive you to self‑doubt.

Nevertheless, check whether your profile and your first messages meet the recommendations for a meaningful presentation and conveying serious interest in contact. If not, you can make improvements at any time. Partner search can also be a learning process.

However, a simple friendly follow‑up will often solve the problem. Nevertheless, there will always be a more or less large number of first messages to which you will never receive a reply.

Psychological findings show that implicit, subtle rejection through ignoring is often experienced as more painful than explicit, outspoken rejection through a clear refusal:

• For example, a study by Alba (2021) showed that people respond to implicit rejection more frequently with doubts about their own profile and the intention to change it than to direct rejections, although this effect was only observable in people with low self‑esteem.

These observations can be explained psychologically:

• As humans, we have a need for clarity and security. This need can easily be derived evolutionarily, as dangers can lurk in uncertain situations. The need for clarification thus had a survival advantage in our development and has persisted to this day and guides our actions.

• If there is no reply to a first message, we fall into a more unclear state than when we receive an explicit rejection. Our need for clarity leads us into a clarification process in which we search for answers to the question of “why?”

• The weaker our self‑esteem, the more we tend to see faults and negative traits in ourselves. In this respect, it is understandable that people with low self‑esteem react to uncertainty by searching for reasons within themselves and with self‑doubt.

Of course, this does not mean that this search for faults in oneself must always be wrong. It is possible that people with high self‑confidence who receive no replies to their first messages overlook deficits in their own profile or their first message.

It is therefore quite sensible to look for opportunities for improvement. But it is important to avoid any catastrophizing and to learn to accept the fact that in online dating, first messages are quite often or even, depending on the platform, mostly not answered.

The focus should not be on annoyance or uncertainty caused by non‑responses, but on clarification. This can include reviewing and possibly changing your own profile or your first messages, as well as sending a friendly follow‑up to the relevant persons.

What we cannot change, we must accept in order not to become unhappy. This applies not only to online dating but to all of life.

However, you should be careful not to prematurely declare problems unsolvable when a solution would indeed be possible. Therefore, taking a look at your own profile and the first message you wrote can certainly be worthwhile. It is about the right balance of self‑reflection, change, and acceptance, where composure is helpful.

So do not get annoyed if another person does not reply to you or even does not look at your profile or your first message. It does not help to be angry at the other person, nor to fall into self‑doubt.

Make improvements to your profile and your first messages if possible. But do not overdo it; instead, learn to deal well with unanswered messages in online dating.

Ask politely, and refrain from any signs of impatience, anger, or reproach. Because those will only reduce the other person’s interest.

If there is no reply to your follow‑up, let the matter rest. In that case, focus your attention on other current or future contacts.

Always Reply and Reply Promptly

Precisely because unanswered messages are often painful, you should reply to all incoming messages yourself. The only exception is if the content is aggressive, insulting, or threatening. In that case, you can block the profile and report it to the platform depending on the severity.

It is also important not to let much time pass before replying. If the reply comes late, the other person may infer that your commitment is low. Perhaps the person has now also already contacted someone else. Severely delayed replies also impair the flow of communication.

If you really have no time or are too distracted by other events, a short message that you are very stressed or distracted but will get back to them and reply helps. This at least reduces the uncertainty that arises when replies are missing. However, you should also keep your promise later and get in touch with the other person; best to set a reminder function.

With prompt replies, you increase the chances that further communication will take place and a getting‑to‑know becomes reality. Prompt replies also prevent you from falling out of the other person’s focus of attention or even being deleted due to lack of response.

If you find replying difficult and therefore postpone it, you should realize that it is not about performance. Reply spontaneously and present your own thoughts and feelings. Ask questions to learn more about the other person.

As with the free text and the first message, detailed texts are often received quite positively, but you can also keep it shorter if your replies continue to show a genuine interest in deeper communication and getting to know each other.

Do you tend to postpone replies?

Postponing does not solve your difficulties but prevents you from practicing spontaneous writing. That way, you do not get into the flow.

So do not give in to a possible impulse to postpone replies. The more you feel the urge to postpone, the more you should make it a habit to reply immediately.

Some people have a real problem with procrastination. In psychology, this is referred to as procrastination, an extreme tendency to postpone necessary actions to the future.

With the help of the self‑regulation techniques described in the first section – self‑observation (“I want to postpone again”), self‑instruction (“sit down now and write the reply”), self‑reinforcement (“I am proud of myself”), and self‑punishment (“I give myself a failing grade”) – you will succeed in putting an end to procrastination.

During the online getting‑to‑know process, all questions that are important to you are allowed. Do not be strategic, but ask yourself what you would like to know about the other person.

Ideas about partnership and relationship, life attitudes and life goals, the current life situation and possible changes, profession, family and friends, but also biographical aspects can be discussed during online communication. Critical topics and hot potatoes can also be addressed even before the first meeting.

The advantage of online partner search is that a deeper mutual getting‑to‑know can occur even before the first actual encounter. Contacts without perspective can thus be avoided from the outset, and the first meeting starts on a better basis.

What applies to the free text applies all the more to further online communication in your messages:

Give an authentic insight into your own person. Describe your wishes, interests, longings, and dreams. Do not hesitate to talk about your life and make clear what is important to you. You can also address possible obstacles, problems, and barriers during the online exchange.

Self‑disclosure promotes the process of getting to know each other and begins online. This keeps the exchange of messages lively and creates motivation for further encounters.

Show interest in the other person throughout the communication process. Do not just talk about yourself, but ask about the other person. Make your wish clear to learn more about the other person. The more deeply you ask, the more you will learn.

This way, you and your counterpart will soon sense whether the next step should be taken and whether you should move on to other communication media or even a soon‑to‑be encounter outside the internet can take place.

Follow the principle that a deeper online exchange increases the chances that in the first encounters outside the internet you will succeed in connecting with the encounter that has already taken place and continuing it quite naturally.

Pick Up the Phone or Use Video Chat

If a written exchange of messages has gone well, the next step is the phone or a video chat.

Especially with video conversations, the participants get a very natural impression of each other’s appearance, demeanor, and habits, which can have a positive effect on the first encounter.

As with all recommendations, however, the limitation applies that everything can be very different for individual people. For example, some people really dislike talking on the phone or completely reject video chats and prefer written exchange. In such a case, you may skip phone calls and arrange a meeting directly after a positive communication history.

Pay Attention to Consistency of Feeling and Reason

Take it seriously when feelings develop in the online exchange. But also pay attention to your reason.

Can you imagine a shared life with the other person, or are there insurmountable barriers? Are your and the other person’s relationship models compatible or contradictory?

Use online communication, as well as phone calls or video conversations, to get answers to these questions. If the answer is “No,” it is best to end the contact amicably.

But if the answer is “Yes,” the time may have come for the next step, and the first face‑to‑face meeting need not be postponed further.

It can also happen that everything speaks in favor of a contact from a rational standpoint, but you do not feel emotionally drawn to the person. If everything else fits together well, you should not end the contact too hastily but give it another chance through a direct meeting. After all, feelings of love often do not arise immediately, and many love relationships, especially in middle age, do not begin with great infatuation but with a sympathy that deepens over time into familiarity and love.

However, it is different if you feel a clear antipathy. In that case, it is advisable to end the contact.

Do Not Be Afraid to Fall in Love!

Being in love is similar to being crazy. Everything is seen through rose‑colored glasses. The emotional state is euphoric. For a future partnership, falling in love can be a good sign. At least currently, the emotional basis is right and attraction is present.

People can fall in love online. Numerous online daters report that they fell in love with the profile of their future partner. The descriptions in the profile, the free text, the pictures, but above all the exchange of messages, can activate intense feelings. Dare to fall in love and take your being in love as an indication that your online counterpart may already be the right person for your love happiness.

But conversely, do not make being in love a prerequisite, because love can also arise much later.

Do Not Postpone the Meeting for Too Long

If a written exchange of messages continues for a long time, it can happen that it fades out. This is an experience that is quite often made in online dating.

Why do contacts tend to fade out with a long written exchange of messages?

A point may come where the possibilities of written exchange are exhausted, where everything important has already been communicated, and where further writing without clarification through a meeting may be perceived as exhausting.

Phone and video chat may counteract this development, but even here a time will come when those involved wish for a direct meeting to take the next step.

If appointments are postponed by one side, the impression may arise that the person may not take partner search seriously, is not ready for further steps, shows no commitment, or communicates with other people at the same time, does not want to or cannot decide, and thus no progress is possible.

It is therefore advisable not to wait too long for the first direct encounter. Ultimately, the first encounter will be decisive for whether a contact is continued or broken off. It is also possible that the direct encounter may not lead to a partnership but to a friendship.

However, it can also be problematic to skip the path of written exchange and communication by phone or video chat and meet immediately.

Although immediate meetings may seem natural and spontaneous, they can lead to daters meeting with others often without ever developing a relationship. This can become a pattern in which the meetings themselves implicitly replace the goal of finding a partner.

If quick and casual meetings become a habit, the motive of exploring and perceiving a relationship opportunity may recede, and those involved may not even notice this shift in motivation. As a result, people may permanently engage in dating with quick, direct meetings as a leisure activity and lose sight of the goal of finding a partner.

With such a pattern, the success of the partner search is then measured by the number of direct meetings. You can read about such developments on review sites, where some reviewers make the quality of a dating platform dependent on the number of its direct meetings.

Why can immediate encounters lead to superficial dating behavior?

One reason is that with little prior exchange, there is an increased occurrence of encounters between people who are not eligible for a relationship with each other. If this happens several times, expectations will change and a dating mode may emerge that no longer focuses on finding a partner but on the perception of appointments.

Both – postponing direct encounters for a long time and meeting immediately and quickly – are thus associated with possible disadvantages. In most cases, the best path probably lies in the golden mean.

What to Do If a Timely Meeting Is Not Possible?

The Corona pandemic interrupted familiar patterns of communication and encounter. This also affected online dating. Direct meetings often had to be postponed for months.

It remains to be seen how much changes in dating behavior that result from this will leave lasting traces.

There are also situations other than a pandemic that can stand in the way of a timely direct meeting:

• There are temporarily or permanently long distances between some people looking for a partner. After all, through online dating, people can meet who live in different countries or even on different continents. A timely direct meeting is often not possible then.

Make the best of it if you are in a situation where a direct meeting soon is not possible. Use the possibilities of online communication and video conversations not only to bridge this time but also to further strengthen the foundation of the budding relationship.

In this way, a relationship can already develop online and later continue in a natural flow after direct encounters.

If the danger of a contact fading out is circumvented, prolonged online communication can even be helpful:

• The better people already know each other online, the more they have already integrated each other into everyday life with modern means of communication, the less often the online contact will end in disillusionment or disappointment after the first direct encounter.

• With intensive, profound, and multimedia online contacts, the chances are good that a developing relationship can be casually continued later after the first direct meeting.

During the Corona pandemic, such a deepening of online communication was clearly observable:

• Meetings were often put on ice. People communicated online more extensively with each other during the pandemic, addressed more central topics, and turned more to phone calls and video encounters. Messages on dating apps became longer – Tinder reported an average increase of 32 %. A study from Australia (Combe et al., 2021) on sexual behavior during lockdown found, among other things, a decrease in casual erotic contacts, an increase in masturbation, a decrease in the use of dating apps overall, but an increase in the use of dating apps for pure text messages and virtual dates. In Israel, Shilo and Mor (2020) observed during the pandemic‑related restrictions among homosexual and bisexual men a decrease in risky sexual behavior, an increase in time spent on dating apps, and an increase in phone sex and sexuality via video chats. In Germany, a survey by the digital association Bitkom found that 38 % of singles used video chats during the pandemic and even one in seven singles fell in love this way. Three out of four respondents also stated that they would like to continue using this form of communication after the pandemic.

In fact, with the help of extended message exchange, phone calls, and video encounters, people can experience each other in various situations and perspectives and thus get to know each other better before the first meeting.

The phenomenon of so‑called love scammers is, although tragic, proof of how strong feelings can be associated with online encounters and phone calls:

• Love scammers gain the trust of people looking for a partner by pretending love and a romantic future. Once infatuation has developed, they demand money.

• Numerous victims of such love scammers describe that it felt like a real love relationship to them, which they often continue to mourn even after the fraud is uncovered and even after being relieved of thousands or tens of thousands of euros.

Nevertheless, this negative example makes it clear that long‑term online communication can lead to deep emotional connection. In the case of love scammers, this is harmful. But if all parties involved are seriously looking for a relationship, the result is positive and helpful for everyone.

So you can approach your partner search flexibly:

Typically, it makes sense to first communicate online more intensively, then move to phone and video conversations, and eventually meet relatively soon.

If objective reasons stand in the way of an early meeting (geographical distance, pandemic, etc.), you can still do a lot to prevent a contact from fading out. With the willingness to engage in longer online communication and the inclusion of different media, you can succeed in bridging the interim and even already beginning a relationship.

Feelings can arise online, mutual support can be given online and multimedia, participation in everyday life and everyday decisions is possible, and sexuality can also be lived online and via video encounters.

Especially with a long‑term online contact without early direct meetings, however, you should ensure that you exchange trustworthy information that allows mutual identification of those involved. This can create a basis for trust and intimacy and at the same time prevent you from becoming a victim of love scammers or catfishing, where a person communicates with you using a completely fictitious profile.

If trust to verifiably disclose one’s own identity does not develop during a longer online contact, continuing the contact should be regarded as pointless – unless you are interested in a purely fictional online relationship that will never continue in reality. Such virtual relationships are also possible and are experienced by some as an enrichment. However, transparency about this should be established in advance in the interest of all involved.

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